Just Another Evangelion Fanfiction
by ThatMairyGuy
Summary: Lillith shows Shinji a world in which they fell deeply in love. Can Shinji handle a god's love even when she DOESN'T contain the souls of all humanity? Eventual ShinjixRei, LillithxHumanity, MisatoxPenPen and ShinjixTrain
1. Family Reunion

He'd almost expected something ludicrous and violent, but a family reunion was a bit much to expect. Some part of this would leave him with nightmares for many weeks to come, he just knew it.

"I know you said I'd see something surprising, but giant robot unicorns was not on the list of things I was expecting. My father looking down on me and demanding things, yes, purple unicorns, no."

The purple-haired bimbo beside him stared him down, this was apparently _not_ the time to bring up his patricidal urges. The dye-blonde scientist woman on his other side just kept looking up at his father, suspended in the glass-walled box on the ceiling. Occasionally she would look at the giant humanoid submerged in a pool of blood-coloured water, but she seemed fairly intent on his father, whose voice seemed to blare from the speakers above him directly into his soul. "Shinji, this is not a question of me being your father, I am asking you to do this as the Commander of NERV."

"You're demanding, not asking." Commander or not, Gendo was still his father, so he could be as petty as he wanted. The ceiling shook, it was obvious even to Shinji, the monster he had only narrowly escaped was searching for them; it was closer.

"Then I'll ask you; Shinji, will you pilot Unit-01 and save our lives?"

Shinji thought on this; his father, a man callous enough to ignore his wife's death to save the world, was reduced to pleading with the son he had abandoned almost ten years ago.

"No."

"NAHNI?" Somehow, everyone in the room, important and unimportant, questioned him at the same time. Even the jumpsuit clad workers prepping the robot for combat had been waiting on his response. Everyone except his father. Typical. "Very well then, if you will not pilot, then you are of no use to me." Gendo turned to something to his side, his voice still broadcasting to the cage, "Fuyutsuki, the Spare is useless, Rei must pilot, get her to the cage immediately." Then a moment later, "She's not dead, is she?"

Shinji was in shock. He had expected more pleading, his father to acknowledge his mistakes, but, he realised this was Gendo Ikari, he would have some near-dead girl fight giant green monsters if there was no one else. The shuddering power came again, causing small waves in the pool of orange-red water below.

Within moments, the door opposite the one he came in through opened to disgorge a group of sterile doctors and one hospital bed. The bed was rushed over to the purple monstrosity, whereupon the doctors left their patient and almost ran in their haste to leave. The bed's occupant, a small blue-haired girl, began to rise from the bed, struggling to win the fight against gravity.

Hypocritically, Shinji couldn't stand to watch someone flop pathetically like that, he moved toward her, then he realised who she was. This was the pilot of his father's unicorn machine, the person who would most likely die fighting the thing outside, if she didn't die getting out of her bed. He turned away from her, meeting her gaze for a fraction of a second before he started toward the opposite door. As he walked away, the shaking grew so great, he was thrown to the floor; looking around, he saw everyone had been dumped onto the floor, even the girl in the bed. Coward though he was, he didn't have it in him to abandon a hospital patient in pain.

* * *

...

* * *

The falling girders were the only altered factor in his new decision calculation, but they constituted a large enough change to outweigh his 'Petty' and 'Cunt' voting blocs.

Running to her, Shinji yelled what he figured would be his last words in his pitifully short and unfulfilled life, "This was a bad idea!"

* * *

...

* * *

No one present at that moment, with the exception of Gendo, had expected it. To allow a margin of error, Fuyutsuki would have also predicted it, but he wasn't in the room at the time, doing things that old people might do. Doubtless, even Gendo was surprised it had taken this long for Unit-01 to act, though it had made for a spectacular entrance, sheltering both children from falling debris with one massive purple hand. Shinji had not believed in an afterlife, but right now he figured death must pick up right where you left off, girders or not. Strangely, he did not remember the feeling of thick steel crushing his weak flesh to a pulp, so he may not have been dead. Dead or not, he was clutching the pilot girl protectively tight, tight enough that he could feel her heart beating against his own.

_If you give up now, they all die. Everyone. Father, Teacher, this girl_

His childish jibe from earlier seemed extraordinarily insignificant in the face of death.

_Father_

…

_Demanding things, always demanding._

…

_Yes_

…

_You do NOT run away You can NOT run away You will NOT run away you must NOT run away_

_Mustn'trunawaymustn'trunawaymustn'trunawaymustn'tr unaway_

…

_Yes_

"I'll do it." The girl in his arms managed to look at him, even the purple-haired women bit down on her bomber jacket at hearing him. He lowered the girl to the floor slowly; her blood on his hands making them slippery, he pushed himself to his feet.

"I'll pilot it."

* * *

…

* * *

"Begin LCL ionisation and set plug depth at 180."

"Glubglubglubglub." Shinji eloquently reported on his status.

Akagi activated the microphone that allowed her to talk to Shinji, "Just let the LCL fill your lungs, you can breathe and speak normally then." She released the button and turned to Maya Ibuki, her unofficial assistant with an unofficial crush on her, "Activate neural circuits and get the A10 up to the borderline." Reports began to roll in from the command substations below them.

"Angel has entered into range of automated defenses."

"Automated defenses are having no effect."

"A.T. Field increasing, Pattern Blue stable."

Gendo spoke from behind his gloves, "Is the Third Child ready, Doctor Akagi? I would like to save the world before Kozou dies of old age."

Akagi seemed offended by this statement; she had worked hard to make sure Unit-01 was ready for Shinji, no matter his psychological profile. "Another moment Commander, we're passing the borderline now." She opened the communications channel to Shinji again, this time leaving it on permanently. "Shinji, can you see anything now? Any odd sensations?" He took a moment to consider this, looking around, flexing his fingers, a few deep breaths, before he replied, "The worker guys look tiny, and this LCD stuff tastes like urine," sniffing a few times, "and uh, possibly semen." Shinji's embarrassment was rivalled by many staff members on the bridge, all of whom seemed to be in some state of either schoolboy's tittering or refined disgust. Lieutenant Hyuga and Doctor Akagi seemed to display the extremes of both ends of the spectrum; Akagi tried to explain to Shinji that no, it was a highly scientific fluid designed to be as breathable as water and there's no way it should smell like either of those two things, but she was hardly heard over Hyuga's snickering. Shamed, she motioned to Maya to report. The brunette turned to Commander Ikari to remedy the situation; "All circuits established, synch rate steady at 63%"

"Excellent, move Unit-01 to the rails immediately."

* * *

...

* * *

"Um guys, am I actually going to, you know, do something, in this robot, or are you going to just ask me awkward questions?" Shinji was beginning to regret his decisions, his biggest regret being his decision to not feel that blue-haired girl's breast while she had been unconscious. He needed little justification in his own mind; he was young, male and about to die, it should be an allowance that he's horny. Shinji's regrets are stopped short when the cage floor jolted suddenly and raised him upward and backward. As he was rolled backward a small screen popped into existence in front of his right eye to disgorge the visage of the purple-haired woman who was apparently his new direct superior, a Captain Katsuragi he had been told. "Shinji, we're launching you as soon as we get you onto the rails, do you have any questions?" Shinji mulled his options over for a moment; this was potentially the last person who would speak with him before the world ended, so he would have to make the most of it. "Three actually. How is your face there, did you have sex with my father to get your position and who thought it was a Good Idea to give giant robots to teenagers?" Katsuragi kept a neutral expression for all of two seconds before screaming "LAUNCH HIM NOW!" That was one of his less sound ideas, but he wanted to make sure he would be remembered, even if the Captain killed him later. His next thoughts were identical to his spoken words, screamed through the LCL as he rocketed up through the layers of the Geofront: "I SHIT MY PANTS!"

And so began the compendium of "Things Shinji said while in the Eva".

…

Well Shit.

* * *

…

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNTSSS!" Shinji screamed as the rail transport slammed into place above ground. The Eva's head jolted upward as it came to a stop, making it seem as though it was glaring at the angel in front of it. Said Angel had been previously strolling merrily through down town Tokyo-3 in its search for easiest access to the Geofront. When it had heard the armour plates opening it had stopped its search to investigate the new opening in the ground. The opening in the ground had promptly vomited a giant purple unicorn in the Angel's direction like a bulimic Unicorn Dispenser, shocking the Angel to its core. It now stood opposite the Purple Humanoid and waited eagerly for it to make the first move.

* * *

...

* * *

"Now Shinji, it should feel just like you're some kind of giant person, so try to walk toward the Angel. Just think about walking, that should work."

"That's an Angel? What god?" The idea of any god having such a strange servant seemed incredible to Shinji, but nonetheless, it wanted to kill him, so he had to kill it first. "OK, giant body, we do this together then, right foot first." He pushed the strange handles in the cockpit forward, willing his new body forward. The Angel watched impassively as its opponent took one lurching step forward, arms swinging lazily by its side, then it took another step towa-wait, no, its opponent had fallen at its second step, not even throwing its arms down to break its fall.

"Fuck!"

The people in the bridge stood by in shock as the angel bore down on Shinji, willing him to get up and fight back. "Shinji! Get up, fight back! Fight back or we're all dead!" Akagi looked on in horror as the Angel lifted Unit-01 off the ground by the head with a single hand. "Do I get a gun? A knife? I'd settle for a bottle to smash over its head right now." Katsuragi looked over her shoulder to the Commander with a questioning look. Her look was met with his nod; Katsuragi turned back around, "Shinji, there's a Progressive Knife in your left Shoulder Pylon, it should be able to kill the Angel." At her order, the left Shoulder Pylon folded open to reveal the handle of an Eva-sized knife, however just as Shinji was reaching for it the Angel threw out its other hand to stop him, lancing through both the Pylon and the knife with a glowing pink spear protruding from its three-clawed hand. Shinji was dismayed to see this, then extremely scared to see the same pink glow heading toward him from the other hand like a freight train through an orphanage. In moments, it was all he could to fight the urge to again wet himself, some part of him managed to grab the Angel's arm with his own. The Angel was prepared for this it seemed, and grabbed his left arm with its free one, twisting and snapping the huge purple bundle of muscle like a twig. As Shinji was thrown against a nearby skyscraper by the Angel he no longer regretted wetting himself, or that he hadn't touched a breast at the age of 14, only that he could feel every sensation his new giant purple unicorn body could.

The cry of "Eva has deactivated!" echoed through the bridge as everyone present contemplated what would be their last words. Further cries rang out, ranging from "Pilot vitals are non-responsive!" to "WE'RE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE!". Maya turned to Doctor Akagi, "Doctor Akagi, neural circuits are breaking one after the other! His synch rate is at 0%!". Even the camera installed in the entry plug was failing, Shinji's words began to come through distorted by static. Contact with Shinji was totally lost soon after, the last words heard from him where: "Help me, someone, anyone, save me!"

_Shinji…_

_Mother?_

**DESTROY.**

When his arm felt like it was on fire, he ignored the feeling.

When his throat felt raw, he ignored the feeling.

When he felt the wind rush into his open mouth, he allowed the other presence to know him completely.

And so he also knew then, he was not using another's body like an empty shell.

He was sharing it.

He let the Other take back its broken body, he could see it knew how best to use it. The Other let him see through its eyes, as though a passenger. Through those eyes he could see the Enemy who has so soiled this body, the Enemy who would die by their hand. The Enemy threw a wall across their path, but the wall was pitiful, there was a stronger wall around his heart, and he had even stronger walls than that. The Enemy's wall crumbled before their might, as did the Enemy. The Other began to retreat from him then, and his mind began to feel totally his own once more. He could see the aftermath through his own eyes now, the Enemy was gone, but its mark had remained on the city. As far as his eyes roamed, only one building had passed through the trial unscathed; its windows reflecting the moonlight to him helped him make a stunning realisation.

* * *

...

* * *

Sometime during or after the battle, Unit-01 had lost its horned helmet, but it was still in one piece otherwise, right down to the newly regenerated eye.

"I'm going to take a quick nightmare-filled rest over there Father, wake me when it's time for school." And so, with all the gravity of, well, 9.81 m/s/s, Unit-01 fell to the ground like a beached whale.


	2. Shake On It!

"Fuyutsuki never told you what happened to your father."

"He told me enough, he told me you killed him!"

"No. I am your father."

"That's not true, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!"

"Not quite, here's the birth certificate."

"Well, guess that checks ou-wait, siblings: Reia Organa?"

"Twins technically."

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

**Chapter 2: Polaroid Picture**

* * *

Shinji didn't remember how he had come to be lying in a hospital room, he couldn't remember why his right eye hurt, but he was fairly certain he had been drugged by someone in a bar. He quickly discarded that theory and section of his brain because he wasn't a woman or old enough to drink. After taking stock of his surroundings, he was definitely in a hospital room, though not any he recognised. His eyes appeared to be perfectly fine, even the pain was fading quickly. After pressing a conveniently placed call button, he tried his hardest to remember what had happened. The nurse arrived quickly, nearly slamming the door open in her haste. "Yes, do you need something?"

Shinji laughed nervously, twiddling his fingers in embarrassment, "I don't mean to be a bother or anything, but uh, could I get some pants?"

* * *

...

* * *

"Your son is awake, Ikari, aren't you going to see him?"

"Fuck no, he's Katsuragi's problem now."

"He's _your_ son, not hers."

"What's brought this on, Fuyutsuki? You hardly know him."

"I've known you and Yui since you were in college, and I think I know more about him than you do."

"If you want to be his father then you can invite him over for Christmas dinner." Gendo rose to leave, but thought of a parting jibe. "There was someone at Shinji's last school that he had his eye on; he was going to talk to her the day he received my message. And I believe that's checkmate as well."

"Fuck you Gendo."

"Love you too darling."

* * *

...

* * *

Since, apparently, Shinji had not been allocated a housing unit for his stay in Tokyo-3 beforehand, he had been stuck in the hospital for the entire day even though he was perfectly fine. Because of this situation, he was allowed to wander the halls, provided he did not leave the Geofront or any place not under supervision by Section 2. Shinji was walking through the recovery ward in a pair of NERV approved hospital scrubs when he saw the pilot girl being wheeled into a private room and left there. He didn't have known what she liked, what she was like, or even if they would be decent friends; he did know that as her newest co-worker, the polite thing to do is to say hello.

The door was already wide open, but the girl (Rei, if he remembered correctly), wasn't looking attentively at the door, so he rapped his knuckles against it. Rei jerked her head around to look at him, she obviously wasn't expecting visitors anytime soon. "Hi there. We met a couple days ago but it wasn't a good time to say hello; I'm Shinji Ikari, pleased to meet you." He extended his hand, but she didn't touch it. She stared at him with blank eyes. "I am Rei Ayanami, the First Child. I am told you defeated the Angel without any combat training."

"Apparently so, though my memory's a mess." Nodding in confirmation, Shinji pulled a chair over and sat down beside the bed.

"Pilot Ikari, I have witnessed your method of greeting occasionally, though I do not understand it." Rei looked at him oddly, so he had to assume this was her way of expressing curiosity. This confused Shinji, how could she not know what a hand shake was? Whilst it did explain why she had not acknowledged his hand moments earlier, _he_ couldn't begin to explain such a thing to her, he's wasn't astoundingly knowledgeable in Western culture greetings. Clearing his throat, he thought for a moment, then began…

* * *

...

* * *

"I see. One can shake another's hand to show friendship, as a method of confirming agreements, to show deep intimacy and to settle past disagreements."

"That's the long and short of it, yes."

Rei seemed pleased with that, though no one would be able to tell, her facial muscles had not altered by even a single angstrom throughout the whole explanation. Shinji rose from his chair to moved closer to the bed. "Now that you've figured all that out, can I try introducing myself again?"

"Of course." Rei replied, adjusting her position in the bed to be sitting up straighter.

"Well then, I'm Shinji Ikari and I hope working with you is enjoyable."

"Likewise." Rei's right arm was very heavily bandaged, so she reached out with her left, meeting the back of his hand with her palm. Shinji should have insisted on several sessions of practice for her, because apparently their definitions of 'squeeze gently' were vastly dissimilar. It was just Shinji's luck, however, that the blonde doctor walked into the room right when Shinji was cradling his hand over his thigh, moaning "I said 'squeeze gently', not 'squeeze till it bleeds I like it rough'."

This was, according to the Universal Unintentional Lewd Comedy Engine, able to meet its conditions to transmute itself to a new plane of Lewd Comedy. The now Astral-Based Unintentional Lewd Comedy Engine conferred with its now subordinate brother Engine, the Universal Witty Response to Lewd Comedy Engine and agreed that this required a transcendental level of Witty Response as well.

"My oh my, Mr Ikari, young love already? Or maybe you just like talking dirty when I'm around." Shinji was, quite obviously, mortified, not from his most recent statement, but from what the doctor had said, he hadn't dreamed talking about semen. Rei quickly came to his defense though, explaining about the handshaking, though Akagi didn't seem convinced. Convinced or not, she didn't seem to care terribly, she appeared to be there for Shinji, not Rei. Incidentally, the Witty Response was not Witty enough to be transcendent.

"We've cleared housing for you Shinji, Captain Katsuragi will pick you up once we've cleared you for employment here."

"Employment? What did I do to earn that?"

"Well first you have to kill an Angel with your bare hands, check, then we have to give you a prostate exam and castrate you." Shinji backed away into the corner of the room while Rei looked on impassively.

"You aren't a very professional doctor."

"And you are a very gullible saviour of the world; Katsuragi's in the waiting room already, get changed."

* * *

...

* * *

It took Shinji a full three minutes of getting changed and walking to the waiting room before he remembered exactly who Katsuragi was.

Shinji tiptoed the rest of the way in total silence.

It was to his surprise that not only was Katsuragi able to put the past behind her, the garishly red bomber jacket she wore was allowed uniform.

"Um, hello, I think I'm going with you to my housing placement." Shinji ventured, _Please let her be an amnesiac of some description_

"Technically I'm here to assess your mental and physical state as my new subordinate, but I'll drive you home since we're in the same apartment building." Katsuragi waved her hand distantly, apparently she was _not_ able to put any of the past behind her; Shinji even thought it likely she held a grudge against a high school boyfriend, judging by her not-holding-a-grudge face.

To assess his physical wellness, Katsuragi arm-wrestled him. Four of five tries, he lost, the fifth was deemed non-applicable because Shinji's arm had slipped over the edge of the table.

Physical Wellness: unfit, should not affect piloting ability

"So, Pilot Ikari."

"Yes Captain Katsuragi?"

"Do you still wet the bed?" Katsuragi's sudden change of tack threw him off guard, though he hadn't really been on guard, having lost at arm-wrestling five times out of five

"I really don't see what this has to do with pi-"

"Answer the question."

"No I don't. Can we go now?"

"Not yet. Do you happen to leave any other fluids in bed when you wake up?"

"I'm still not seeing a connection to killing monsters here, Captain."

"Do you ever think of girls in a, different way? A certain way that has nothing to do with the subject you're discussing with them?" Katsuragi chose to emphasise these words by taking his hand in her own and tracing her other down the side of his face. Faced with this impossible onslaught, Shinji retreated into his oldest known bastion: everyone was intimidated by his father just as much as he was.

"If this continues I'll talk to my father about your misconduct!" The words didn't sound as impressive as they had in his head, coming out more rushed and high-pitched than he could have hoped, but he was praying to multiple gods, pantheons included, that this was all a terrible dream.

It wasn't.

"You're mentally fine for someone your age, though you could be more assertive." Katsuragi moved away from Shinji, defusing the situation offhandedly. "Now I won't attempt to molest you against your will, and you won't insinuate I'm fucking my superiors, deal?"

"Deal." Shinji meekly extended his hand to confirm the agreement, but Katsuragi grabbed it and dragged him toward the door, Shinji left stammering protestations beginning with "Wait Captain!". As she dragged him, Katsuragi kept talking without even looking in his direction. "You only need to call me Captain Katsuragi if you're making an official report or are under inquiry, so just call me Misato or something, 'kay?"

"Of course, Mrs Captain Misato or something." Now that molestation, one of Shinji's higher-ranking fears, was out of the picture, his subconscious decided it could be as passive-aggressive as it liked toward Misato. She turned to him with a look similar to the look she had before launching him on the rail system. Clenching his hand in a vice grip, she pulled him close, close enough that he felt her breathe misting over his corneas. "One: I am your superior, so no back talk. Two: I will personally choke the life out of the last fucking Angel with my bare fucking hands before I get married, so it is 'MISS Captain Misato or something' if anything, if you can still speak after I rip your fucking trachea out through your kneecaps." She twisted Shinji's hand around as she pulled him along again, her face assuming a rictus grin, "Glad we sorted that out. I'd give you a tour of the base, but I get lost too easily, hope that's fine."

"That's quite alright, ma'am." An amount of whimpering could also be heard, but it was of no consequence.

* * *

...

* * *

"What the fuck do you mean 'Commander Ikari was fine with it.'? He is fourteen years old and his own father doesn't care what happens to him? This is not the ideal situation for leaving a child in an apartment on their own for fuck sake!"

"It's quite alright, Miss Misato. If I get an allowance from NERV like she says then I can buy my own necessities and the-" Shinji began to protest this high level of care but was abruptly cut off.

"Grownups are talking, Shinji." Misato did not take her eyes away from the woman behind the desk to reprimand him, returning the woman's gaze steadily. The woman was doing quite well on her part, with the scandal-proof umbrella of Secretary-ness(+5 to screwing the boss) and the steel backbone of a decade in middle management(+100 to all defense) lending her the power to withstand the Dire Misato's attacks(3d10+35 per attack per round).

"The Commander was not simply 'fine with it', he refused to have him on the grounds of being unable to support him while working. Now unless you're willing to force him on some unfortunate employee you can either leave him on his own or, God forbid, take him in yourself." And with that, the Secretary of Iron Will turned back to her terminal to plan her next opportunity to screw her boss. She had, inadvertently, given Misato an Idea. An Idea most terrible, most foul; an Idea so evil, it had the raw strength to destroy Sauron's ring and shit on the melted remains.

"Pilot Ikari, can you cook nutritious meals?"

"I guess so."

"Can you clean?"

"I suppose I can."

"Wonderful. SECRETARY WOMAN!"

"What new horror shall you inflict upon my department now?" For someone who is in the business of saving the world(by proxy), the Secretary of Iron Will was surprisingly jaded to violent outbursts.

"Third Child Shinji Ikari will be staying with me from now until further notice pending approval by Dr Akagi."

The Secretary turned to Shinji with a bored look. "Commiserations young man," then turning to Misato: "Shall I call the good doctor for you?"

"Just hand me a phone and I'll set that part up myself."

Shinji didn't understand how Misato could think that quickly, though he was able to think of some questions he needed answers to:

_1:If he was the Third Child, who was the second?_

_2:Why had his father refused him, after needing him here so desperately?_

And

_3:What qualifications, bar a womb does Misato Katsuragi have for being his guardian?_

And another thought, not a question:

_Oh fuck, Misato is going to be his guardian._

* * *

How will Shinji be able to summon his Persona now he's been stripped of his Social Links?

When will Asuka show up so the show finally gets good?

Will Misato be able to rekindle her old love with Fuyutsuki?

Find out on the next pretty shitty episode of whatever this is called!


	3. Miso Soup, The Other White Meat

By shooting himself in the head. Sometime later. Probably not.

* * *

Last Episode, Shigeru found the individual immunity idol, guaranteeing his safety in that week's elimination, but the rest of the Rokubungi Tribe are still going to vote him off the next time it comes to elimination, maybe that's today. Find out on Survivor:Evangelion! Outwit. Outplay. Outangst.

* * *

**Boring Filler Chapter No.01**

* * *

"So wait, I'm busy saving the world in a giant purple robot…" Something about the entire situation seemed off to Shinji, but he was only now voicing his concerns.

"Correct, but it's apparently a kind of bio-mechanoid."

"Whatever, but you _still _want me to go to school, a totally normal school with no aliens, ESPers, time-travellers or anything? No Sliders?"

"Well there _will_ be the pilot of a top-of-the-range bio-mechanoid attending starting next week." For the woman who by rights should be preparing dinner at that very moment, she was surprisingly relaxed about playing host to said bio-mechanoid pilot. Part of the reason behind her nonchalance was the fact that Misato wasn't cooking, Shinji was. He'd had to empty the cooking pots of the dirty laundry that filled most of them before he was even able to search for a recipe book. How Misato had managed to get a bra and a tin of sardines into a wok that was still in shrink-wrap was a mystery beyond all but the strangely sentient penguin Misato lived with. The penguin was a good deal more helpful than his host was, clearing bench space in return for Shinji opening a mysterious tin of sardines for him.

"That still doesn't change the fact that you think I need an education when the world's about to end."

"If you and Rei do your jobs right, then you will need an education, because you'll be out of a job and the world will still be here. Checkmate, young mister Shinji." Though he could see her point, Shinji could also see a major fallacy in it, namely him. "Rei's in hospital and I've only killed one Angel so far, under what assumptions are you implying we'll live?"

"I'm a woman and you aren't, therefore I am correct."

"That's discrimination along gender lines, I'll have you know."

"Don't care! What's for eats?"

"Well," Shinji began, flourishing a ladle, almost smacking Pen-Pen across the beak, "for starters there's miso soup, then as a main we've got miso soup, and for dessert there's also…"

"Let me guess, miso soup?"

"Close but no. I believe the dessert this fine evening is Get-it-yourself-I'm-not-your-mother."

"Cold, Shin-man, cold."

"Sorry. What do I feed the penguin?"

"He's had sardines, so he's set."

"Wark." This apparently did not sit well with the aforementioned bird.

"Shut your beak-hole, you flightless jackass."

"Wark." Sadder this time; Pen-Pen stormed off to his personal fridge, and if it was possible at all, the automatic sliding door seemed to hiss shut with a _humph_.

Mere moments had passed before there was a breach of the sacred peacetime of the meal. Shinji was not the cause of the breach of peace; once again it was Captain Misato Katsuragi, a woman of loose enough morals to drink in front of a minor immediately after insulting a rare breed of penguin.

"Do you really need to drink it so quickly? Not only will you get gas but also problems with the gastric tra-"

"And you shut _your_ beak-hole, you flightless jackass."

"Yes ma'am."

The rest of the meal _did_ pass in total silence, Misato holding herself from further outbursts until later on.

* * *

...

* * *

_Try to be more assertive she says, then when I'm more assertive she tells me off and I totally shut down. _Shinji was taking a bath after dinner, reflecting on how much worse his life had gotten within two days.

_I tried to save the world, but I destroyed most of the city in the process._

_I tried to talk to a girl, but I started talking about sex halfway through._

_I tried to stop Misato's bad habits, but I give up within seconds._

_I'm never going to go anywhere in life, and everybody knows it._

"I'm useless, aren't I Mother?"

"Wark. Wark-Wark."

* * *

...

* * *

"M-m-m-m-m-misato!"

"Yessum?" Uninterested, Misato was sipping away at her third beer of the evening

"P-p-pen-penguin, bath!"

"I'm not seeing the problem here Shinji, elaborate."

Pen-Pen chose that moment to waddle out of the bathroom, 'wark'-ing all the way.

"It!" Shinji screamed, pointing with a shaking finger. "Bath! Wark!"

"Yes, that's Pen-Pen, you've met before. Say 'hi' to Shinji properly Pen-Pen, don't just ignore your new flatmate." In response, Pen-Pen turned and waddled back to Shinji. Raising a fin, Pen-Pen poked Shinji accusingly in the thigh.

"I'm sorry, but what?"

"Geez Shinji, you're as bad as he is. Shake his hand, fin, claw, whatever the fuck that is."

"Ok I guess. I'm Shinji, pleased to meet you."

"Wark." Misato took that moment as her cue to open her fourth can of beer.

"By the way Shinji, can I have a bath now or are you done?" peeking over the rim of her can, Misato winked at him, a wink loaded with all the adult knowledge she could muster, a wink which was totally lost on Shinji. It took three seconds of meeting Misato's gaze before Pen-Pen poked him on the thigh again, drawing Shinji's attention back to himself.

"SorryMisatobuti'mstillhavingabathdon'tcomein."

* * *

...

* * *

_The Next Day…_

"Excuse me, is the train station down that street or that one?"

"Depends on where you're going, man. There's the train station way over there that the bullet train outta here comes in on, and the trains that go around the city come faster at the station in the opposite direction."

"Well, I need to get to the residential district actually."

"Well then, you want to go down Yaranaika crescent to the hub station and get on the 99-clockwise. My friend reckons it's faster if you transfer to a different line halfway along, but I never remember which one and where, so I won't get you lost too."

"Thank you. I'll be going now." Shinji turned to go, but was stopped but the helpful stranger.

"You've got a lot of school supplies in that bag of yours, you starting at a school here?"

"I'm starting at Tokyo-3 Junior High on Monday, why do you ask?"

"Did you see the monster? Or were you too late?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, were you in this city from the hours of 5:00 pm to approximately 11:00 pm two days ago on Tuesday?"

"I got taken to a bunker in the Geofront fairly quickly once I arrived here, but I guess so."

"Wait so you got here _during_ the attack? That is the ultimate in COOOOOOLLL! What kinda guns did they use against the monster? Did it chase you through the streets to the bunker? Tell me man! I just gotta know!" The boy had moved close enough to Shinji that he could smell the eagerness in his breath and feel the sweat on his palms as he squeezed Shinji by the shoulders. Shinji was saved by the introduction of a third character, a tall man with long hair and a mysterious voice.

"Making friends already Shinji? You only just got here and everything." The boy that was 5 centimetres and a condom away from molesting Shinji moved away rather quickly.

"So yeah," the boy stuttered, "You wanna head down that way and get the 99-Clockwise, that goes to the residential district, but I may take a while. I'll see you at school on Monday, but don't be friends with me if you can avoid it." And so the mysterious boy jogged into the distance, leaving a mark on Shinji's heart that he wasn't sure he wanted gone. He was sure, however, that he wouldn't avoid being friends with him, and maybe a bit more after that.

* * *

...

* * *

And so the Universal Homoerotica Engine was forcibly shut down and destroyed for developing aberrant programming that caused it to alter reality. With the Engine destroyed, its influence on the local time-stream reverted the universe to a state 20 seconds earlier.

"I'll see you at school Monday then, right?"

"I guess, my names Shinji by the way, Shinji Ikari."

"Kensuke Aida. Try not to be friends with me if you can avoid it." And so Kensuke Aida made his exit from the scene, leaving Shinji alone with the Mysterious Long-Haired Stranger. Shinji decided that _this_ would be his assertive moment of the day, if not the week.

"Excuse me but, who are you? Do you work for my father?"

"You don't remember me Shinji? I'm wounded. I'm with Misato's bridge support team, Shigeru Aoba."

"Were you the one laughing about the semen thing?"

"Everyone was laughing about the semen thing, _everyone_. You might mean Hyuga, he was the loudest."

Shinji stood awkwardly, not knowing what to say next.

"In future little man, don't let it slip that you got here the same time as the Angel, alright? We haven't exactly made it public information that we've got 14 year olds running around in giant robots."

"Misato says it's technically a bio-mechanoid."

"And technically I couldn't care any less about what the damn thing is, it's a big unicorn that fights Angels, that's all I look for in a world-saving device."

"I suppose it doesn't really matter does it?"

"Not at all. Where are you headed now? Is Misato picking you up?"

"No, I was going to take the train home from the hub station like that other guy sai-"

"You are too good for trains. I'm going to show you a secret way of getting around the city that only the upper echelons of NERV know about, and me."

"What is it?" Clearly confused, Shinji looked up at Aoba.

"Without your knowledge or consent, you've had a security detail following you the whole time you've been here. Their job is to keep you and the secrets you hold safe. That means, more or less, if you jump into the driver's seat of their car and threaten to drive home, they have to make changes to the situation such that you won't be in that same danger."

"So they _have_ to be a taxi service if I act in a specific way? How does that even make sense?"

"Misato pulled it while drunk, so why can't you? Come with me, I've already spotted them by the coffee shop."

Shinji and Aoba made their way to a suspicious-looking man leaning against a signpost, looking _very_ suspicious in a black suit and tie. Closer inspection revealed it wasn't an ordinary suspicious-looking man wearing a black suit and tie, but a moderately nefarious suspicious-looking man wearing a black suit and tie. Aoba approached the man without a care in the Geofront, even waving to the moderately nefarious suspicious-looking man wearing a black suit and tie as he walked. "Yo man," He began nonchalantly, "just figured the golden boy should meet his security detail sooner rather than later." The Moderately Nefarious Suspicious-looking Man didn't respond to the Lieutenant, but instead spoke to Shinji.

"Pilot Ikari, you have a meeting with Dr. Akagi in half an hour. If you do not board the next train to the Geofront immediately you will be late. NERV does not tolerate lateness." Aoba laughed it off, coming very close to clapping a hand down on the Moderately Nefarious Suspicious-looking Man's black suit-clad shoulder. "Can't you drive him in? You _are_ his security detail, after all." The Moderately Nefarious Suspicious-looking Man gave Aoba a look powerful enough to petrify him completely, somehow making his pupils visible through deep black sunglasses. "Pilot Ikari's security detail is educating Kensuke Aida as to how much he is allowed to talk about in future. We're _your_ security detail." Aoba was taken aback, he was sure he didn't have a security detail. He was quickly taken a-sideways, a-down, and several other directions that were normally only traveled with the aid of Dimensional Anchors and an engagement ring. "We can take Pilot Ikari with us, provided you come with us."

"Hear that little man? It's not just drunk Captains that get a ride in the company car, it's me too now. Come on, they'll give you a ride."

* * *

Introducing Barbie's new Boyfriend!

Pick up a Barbie and Kensuke's Dreamhouse now from any licensed Mattiel retailer.


	4. Suddenly Shakespearian

"Come, woman. Summon your Servant and cower behind it." The strangely-clad man was admirably persistent.

"If you really want to die Caster, my Servant will be happy to oblige. BERZERKAAAAAHHH!"

"That's your Servant? I sense no power from him, perhaps the Grail brought forth Angra Mainyu again." It was true, Berserker did not look or feel very imposing. Standing a full head shorter than his master and wearing a skin-tight white and blue outfit that revealed no muscle anywhere on his frame, Berserker would have great difficulty defeating Caster, an adept Magus in his own right.

"Berserker, you had best reveal your Noble Phantasm, we won't get anywhere against his pig-headedness otherwise."

"Yes, Master. I have found a stage for you to truly shine, Mother. Artificial gods summoned into this realm by the Holy Grail. Destroy this world with a blazing Impact! EVANGELION!"

* * *

**Toji no Imōto ga Konna ni Kawaii Wake ga Nai**

**(Toji's Little Sister Can't be This Cute)  
**

Translations provided by Daiz

* * *

"This training isn't designed to make you a soldier, it's just to get you used to fighting in the Eva. We're not worrying about how well you march, just how hard it is for an Angel to destroy the world." Dr Akagi's speech was not terribly inspiring, nor was it a speech in most definitions. In fact, it was not a speech under any definition. Misato's interjection was not very inspiring either, though for Shinji it was decently horrifying. "Don't worry about the world Shinji, this is one case where the world depends on you. Just worry about you and your Eva, centre the target, pull the switch." Centring the target, Shinji focused on piloting the simulation Eva against the simulation Angel. He pulled the switch.

* * *

...

* * *

Shortly after he was taken out of the simulation, Shinji sought out Misato, who was conveniently waiting outside the locker room for him. "Misato, is it alright if I meet your bridge staff? I met Mr Aoba earlier and he seemed really nice and I'd like to meet the people I'm saving the world with." Misato looked at him strangely for a second, but was quickly her usual self. "Why didn't you say so Shinji? To the Bridge!" She grabbed his hand and dragged him away down the corridor.

"The Bridge is that way I think, there's the arrow on the wall going down that corridor."

"Congratulations! You're my new navigator! Lead the way!"

* * *

...

* * *

"This lovely young lady is Lieutenant Maya Ibuki, though she's more Ritsy's subordinate than mine." Ibuki for some reason found this embarrassing, hiding her face behind a manila folder. "Dr Akagi may not be pleased with you saying that, she doesn't want responsibility over anything but the Eva. But it's nice to finally meet you Shinji; you look taller than your profile said."

"Uh, thanks, I guess?"

"And this over here Shinji, is Lieutenant Makoto Hyuga, he gets all the info on the Angels and stuff first; I think."

"It's OK Misato, I just yell out whatever's on the screen and hope you notice me." Nobody picked up on it, but Hyuga's words actually meant '_Oh god Misato, please notice me.' _Hyuga leaned down closer to Shinji, and in a conspiratorial whisper, said: "Now you're absolutely sure that Misato hasn't tried to molest you?" Shinji didn't catch on to the subtlety of the moment, and in a voice eminently _un_-suited for a conspiratorial whisper, replied: "It's alright, she promised not to yesterday." Hyuga again devolved into a giggling fit while Misato's glare could penetrate A.T. Fields. "Even so Shinji, you should be prepared, have this," He reached into his pocket and handed him a small square of plastic coated foil, "and if she's extra persistent, you can get more of these from a lot of the stores near Yaranaika. But remember the first line of defence: 'no' means 'no'."

"First Lieutenant Makoto Hyuga, as my Chief Aide, are you insinuating what I think you are?"

"I insinuate nothing, I am only reminding you and Shinji of a fundamental tenet of interpersonal relations."

"Shinji, this is a direct order from a superior officer: Don't listen to him. Let's go." As Misato turned to go, Hyuga spoke up. "You wound me Misato, to insinuate I would be a bad influence on such an impressionable child."

"It was nice meeting you both, have a nice day!" Shinji left to follow Misato, but walked into Misato's back.

Misato had stopped because his father was in her way

"Shinji, come with me, I need to talk to you."

* * *

...

* * *

"As the sole defender of Humanity in these times, you need to realise something."

"What's that Father?"

"You cannot save everyone and you should not prioritise human lives over destruction of the Angels."

"What do you mean, isn't it my duty to save people?"

"By destroying Angels. You should not value an individual's life over the countless lives that will be saved by the Angel's death."

"So you want me to be like you?"

"Depending on what you think I'm like, yes. You should consider this a direct order from the Commander of NERV, representing the U.N. and all the world powers invested in NERV: You will not consider the safety of any civilians or NERV staff that could be harmed by your actions against the Angels, unless directly ordered to by myself or Captain Katsuragi acting under my approval."

"So unless you tell me to, it's not my job to save lives?"

"Exactly. And I extend that order to include myself: should my life be in danger, the Angel comes first."

"I understand Fath-Commander."

"Good, you can go now."

* * *

_Monday..._

* * *

"And this, children, is our new transfer student, he moved here last week and will be with us for the foreseeable future. Why don't you introduce yourself, write your name up and all that." Something in the teacher's voice indicated he would rather be at home doing things old people might do, but another part of his voice indicated he would vent his rage in a righteous fury on all who dared oppose him, for he was the Master of the Dark Flame, he was evil's will made flesh, and a single thought could tear reality asunder. Shinji thought on this as he wrote his name of the blackboard, eventually coming to the conclusion that the teacher had put those days behind him, hidden away in a closet with a copy of the 4th Edition rulebook and necromancer's robes sewn by his mother.

"My name's Shinji Ikari and I hope you're nicer than some of the people I work with. Uh, Teacher, where should I sit?" The teacher jolted his head upward, somehow he had almost fallen asleep in the span of 20 seconds. He scanned the room quickly, then waved a hand in the general direction of the window, where two empty seats rested like a forlorn couple. "Take the one away from the window, next to Aida. He'll be a good starter friend for you." Shinji made his way to the indicated seat, retrieving the garish red, NERV-issued laptop from his bag.

* * *

...

* * *

Rei arrived halfway through the first lesson, saying nothing, just making her way to the empty seat on Shinji's other side. The teacher just looked in her direction for a moment, then went right back to droning about life beforeSecond Impact. Shinji sent a message to her laptop as soon as it was on.

**IKARI S:** Daijobu? [T/N: 'daijobu' means 'Are you alright']

Rei blinked in surprise when the message arrived, apparently people often ignore her.

**AYANAMI R**: Yes. I was discharged from the hospital this morning.

Shinji's knowledge of medical procedures was mostly based on television shows, but he was certain you don't make someone go to school after having just left a hospital.

**IKARI S:** Shouldn't you be resting at home? You looked pretty bad that night.

**AYANAMI R:** The Commander allowed me to be in such a state to encourage you to fulfill your duty.

**IKARI S:** You mean my father was going to let you die? Just so I would pilot that thing?

**AYANAMI R:** This connection is not secure, we can continue this conversation later.

And so typing, Rei closed the message program and looked out the window. Moments later, Shinji received a message from Kensuke, who was looking tactlessly across the desks and right at Shinji's screen.

**AIDA K:** Pilot? You were the pilot of that big robot?

**IKARI S:** No.

Kensuke was apparently several different types of clairvoyant, possibly an X-man, because he leaped out of his chair and began pointing at Shinji like some sort of body-snatcher.

"Is something the matter Aida? Surely there is nothing untoward about our transfer student." Much as the teacher enjoyed boring students to death, he enjoyed the work of Donald Sutherland more, a fact which resonated at the same frequency of Kensuke's screech

"There is!" Kensuke's hand began to shake due to the stress. "He's the pilot of the b-b-big robot th-thing!"

"No I'm not. Rei is." To that the whole class looked at Rei with a look of extreme shock and mild vindication. "EEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?" [T/N: 'eeeeeehhhhh' means 'nahni'] Rei continued to stare out the window, though she managed to mumble a reply by way of explanation. "As of Wednesday, Shinji Ikari is the primary pilot of what you call the 'big robot'." Once again the collective gaze of the class bore down on Shinji, though he could tell one pair of eyes had different emotion behind them, a strange feeling that someone _blamed him_ for all that was wrong in the world.

* * *

...

* * *

ACT 2: SCENE 4: SCHOOL EXTERIOR

NARRATOR: Two races, both alike in dignity,/In fair Tokyo-3, where we set our scene,/From ancient Moon break to new mutiny,/Where Angel blood makes Eva hands unclean.

[_Toji, Shinji, Kensuke enter, Toji pulls Shinji by his shirt, Kensuke follows with camera_]

TOJI: Bear me no ill will, stranger. I hold no grudge against you.

[_Toji punches Shinji across the jaw. Shinji falls, sprawling P. Kensuke moves to Shinji as Toji walks OP, arms crossed_]

KENSUKE: It is true that he bears no malice on his own behalf; though your actions against that rabid beast were most valiant, his sister was injured grievously by the fiend before you arrived. To be honest, young Shinji, you would not be in this predicament had you not arrived sooner.

SHINJI: Though it is not his own behalf he acts upon, it is his folly.

[_Toji turns threateningly to Shinji, fists raised. Rei enters OP and stands silently just in front of the curtain line_]

TOJI: You had best watch your tongue, kind sir, you walk a dangerous path.

SHINJI: I did not act because of my need to destroy that creature, I acted as a necessity for human survival. That thing would have killed us all had I not stopped it. You bear me no grudge, aye, the way I see it, you owe me your lives. So lay yours down before me.

TOJI: You speak as though you are worthy of my praise.

[_Toji grabs Shinji by the shirt and raises his arm to punch him again. Rei places her hand across Toji's_]

REI: You commit great treachery against your humanity with this act, Suzuhara.

* * *

...

* * *

"Waddya doin' Ayanami? Jus' lemme punch 'im already." Suzuhara shook his fist about angrily, but it seemed Rei was stronger than he was.

"As Pilot Ikari's designated emergency replacement Pilot, it is my duty to ensure he is at all times suitable to be sortied against the enemy. As such, I am performing my duty as replacement in this instance; use me in place of Ikari."

"I ain't got beef with you Ayanami. Just walk away and it'll all be over soon." Shinji spoke up, struggling to stay balanced, poised as he was on the end of Suzuhara's arm. "I'll be fine Rei. His sister's in hospital because of me."

"His sister is alive because of you. He is alive because of you. I am alive because of you. If this is your intent, however, I will not stop you." So saying, Rei released Suzuhara's fist and turned to go.

Just as Shinji's face was about to undergo emergency reconstruction procedures Rei threw herself backwards, catching the boy's fist with her cheek.

"What the hell Ayanami? You don't throw yer face at a dude's fist like that, you messed in the head?" Suzuhara didn't know what had just happened, but it was not part of his hasty plan to punch Shinji. Shinji sat on the ground in shock, Rei strewn across him like a rag-doll. '_Forsooth, that was most sugoi_'[T/N: 'Forsooth' means 'verily', you should know what sugoi means by now] thought Kensuke. Kensuke panned his camera toward Suzuhara's face, but was sent into a spasming pit of fear by the sight of several Moderately Nefarious Suspicious-looking Men, all wearing black suits and ties. Several of them had guns in their hands. The one closest to Shinji tapped a microphone on his wrist and spoke into it. "I can confirm the safety of the pilots, we're retrieving them presently. Feel free to give the order."

The Universal Overly Long Names for Simple Things Monitor activated the appropriate function in the Universal Acronyms Spoken as Words With No Link to The Original Phrase Engine; after gaining the requisite approval it applied a blanket alteration to the underlying structure of the universe to change Moderately Nefarious Suspicious-looking Men to MoNeSlMen.

"Pilots Ikari and Ayanami, with us. You too," the lead MoNeSlMan shifted from Shinji and Rei to Toji and Kensuke "get back to class now. You were never out here and neither were we." Two MoNeSlMen hoisted Shinji and Rei to there feet, while Suzuhara dragged an incapacitated Kensuke through the dirt back to the main school building. Shinji walked to the car, surrounded by MoNeSlMen, to find that he had no idea what had just happened. "What's going on?" He said, stealing a glance to Rei's rapidly bruising cheek. "Where are you taking us?"

"The Geofront. The MAGI have detected the next Angel."

* * *

_Fin... pour l'instant_

* * *

Things are getting steamy in the Big Brother house with the addition of a surprise roommate. See tempers rise and sparks fly as Shinji and Shamshel butt heads next episode. Coming whenever I write a chapter!


	5. Shinji vs Angel

OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!

Who lives in an AT Field under the ground?

AY-A-NA-MI!

The biggest and palest marshmallow around!

AY-A-NA-MI!

If Instrumentality's something you wish!

AY-A-NA-MI!

Then get in the robot stop being a bitch!

AYANAMI AYANAMI AYANAMI AYAAAA-NAMIIIIIIIII!

*doodly doo doo-doo doowhii!*

* * *

**I'll run out of witty subheadings eventually**

* * *

Shamshel, Angel of the Dawn

Card Colour: Blue

Summon Cost: 2 Blue, 2 Black

Legendary Creature - Angel

Flying, Haste, Shroud

_An Angel of God, charged with guarding the Garden of Eden after Adam and Eve's exile._

* * *

Shinji Ikari, Whiny Bitch

Card Colour: Green/Black

Summon Cost: 1 Gendo, 1 Yui, 2 Green

Legendary Creature - Pilot

First Strike, Vigilance

_A long history of parental abuse and loss enables Shinji to cry about stuff until his Eva fixes the problem for him._

* * *

...

* * *

"Commander, the Pilots are en route to the cage, your orders?"

"Prepare a pallet rifle to be sent up to Unit-01's exit point."

"Understood Commander." Misato turned back to the Big Screen projected onto the wall, just waiting for the Angel to do something. Upon entering the city the Angel had aimlessly drifted through random streets, not making any attempts to breach the Geofront's defenses. "Dr Akagi, is the Angel waiting for Unit-01?"

"Quite possibly Captain, though I can't guess how it knows about our plans."

"Could they be communicating with each other? Or learning?"

"If either's the case, we're in a whole lot deeper than we thought."

Hyuga turned to Misato to report: "Unit-01 is in the rails and the pallet rifle's prepped. Where to?" Misato studied the Big Screen intently, then thought so hard that gears ground loud enough to be heard on the Moon. "Send them both to E-38; then Shinji," She said, activating the microphone, "you take down the Angel as fast as possible. Aim for the core and fire in bursts."

"Understood Misato."

"Right then. Eva Unit-01, launch!"

* * *

...

* * *

"I'm telling ya Toji, there's something major going on, and they don't want us to know."

"Is this another conspiracy theory about the giant robot? You came up with like, five in the same day, one of them said that the new kid was gay or something." Toji was, understandably, sceptical. One of Kensuke's theories stated that the monsters were attacking as punishment for the gays, and the giant purple robot was the only thing fabulous enough to stop them.

"Not quite, but its related."

"Is the robot secretly one of the monsters in disguise?"

"No. But however controls the robot also controls the city. Look at my camera: every time we did evacuation training I could get a signal and watch some shows, listen to the radio and stuff. Now though, it's like everything is down, all we've got is footage of a meadow telling us to remain calm." Kensuke shoved his camera in Toji's face. What he said was true, all the TV channels had been replaced by a meadow with text scrolling across it. The radio stations contained the same message, just spoken.

"And this means?" Toji rolled his hand, motioning Kensuke to continue

"I'll tell you someplace quieter, come with me." Kensuke stood rapidly, gesturing for Toji to do the same. Hikari Horaki, the class representative, noticed this. "And where are you two fools going?"

"Takin' a piss, what's it look like?" Toji wasn't sure what was happening, but Kensuke's bullshit was funny enough to cover for, just this once.

"Didn't you go during break?"

"Too busy punching the new kid."

"Whatever, just don't go to far."

* * *

...

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"The dust cloud is obscuring the Angel! Stop firing Shinji!"

_clikclickclickclickWHHIIIIRRRRrrrrr~_

Shinji didn't stop firing, the giant rifle simply ran out of ammo. The smoke and dust kicked up by the car-sized bullets didn't even clear before two glowing pink tendrils shot forth from the cloud and sliced the gun in half. Shinji jumped backward, dropping his half of the rifle to the ground. The cloud was blown away when the Angel moved through it, its A.T. Field a shimmer in the air as its tendrils waved lazily in front of it. The Angel tripped him up with a lash at his feet, sending the 75 metre-tall bio-mechanoid sprawling on the ground. Hovering over Shinji, the Angel contemplated its next move. Shinji scrambled away as fast as he could, but the Angel followed his retreat with glowing slices into the road behind him. As Shinji ran, he searched for an opening in the narrow corridor of streets to better avoid the Angel; there was a large hill ahead of him that afforded better freedom of movement. Just as he reached the final block before the hill, the Angel grabbed at his foot and lifted him into the air.

It took only moments, but Shinji was soon sent flying through the air, landing with a crash on the hillside. Misato was yelling something in his ear, something about the Angel being at an advantage in the open. _That's just fucking wonderful, _Shinji thought,_ you could have told me that earlier._

* * *

...

* * *

"That thing looks like a giant dick, you got me out here to look at a giant purple dick."

"I think it's closer to maroon if anything. And it's not really a penis, it doesn't hold its head in line with the body, and it's got those weird rib-legs around the red thi-"

"It's a dick. Our sole chance of survival against the ragin' purple dick monsters is the giant purple unicorn-man."

"I will admit, it does poke a few holes in the 'Punishment for the Gays' theory, but as the situation develops, you'll see I was right."

"Hey man, does the robot fly?"

"Not sure, why?"

"IT'S FLYIN' RIGHT AT US MAN!"

"SHIT!"

* * *

...

* * *

The Angel floated toward the hill Unit-01 had landed on, taking so much time to arrive it was almost gloating. Shinji could have moved away from the hill at any point, but he was captured by his own panic and indecision; he could easily attack the Angel, but if he moved, there was a very high chance he would crush the two people trapped under his fingers.

"Shinji, get out of the way! Get back into the city and destroy the core." Misato kept screaming at Shinji, but he wouldn't move, no matter how much Misato screamed, wheedled and cajoled, though her cajoling and wheedling sounded suspiciously like screaming. Gendo looked on with steepled hands; Shinji's breach of orders were a non-issue to him at this time. Misato eventually hit upon a solution, but not before the Angel had long before some across its solution to 'The Problem of the Purple Unicorn'. A tried and true method passed down by generations of Angels (just the one before this one actually), namely, using glowing pink things to break it till it broke. As a result of this attack, Shinji was forced into reaction, grabbing the flailing tendrils as they attempted to caress his throat.

"Shinji, open the plug and let those two in."

"W-what?"

"Just do it!"

"Father?"

"If you will not act, then this is the only option. Open the plug." With a grunt, Shinji complied with his father's wishes; though the signal could be sent from the Bridge, it was easier and faster if the Pilot deactivated certain circuits manually.

* * *

...

* * *

From Toji and Kensuke's perspective, the robot appeared to be dying. Its eyes went blank, its head slumped forward, and a large hatch on its neck opened with a _tsss_, disgorging a long white tube to stick up into the air. The robot must have had external speakers installed, because a woman's voice began to blare forth. "You two, into the plug now!"

"Us?" Toji pointed to himself and Kensuke, totally out of his depth and in the wrong pool for his intellect.

"Did I fucking stutter? GET IN!"

* * *

...

* * *

"Beginning re-ionisation of LCL." Maya reported redundantly

"Glublublub." Said Toji

"Gluglubub." Said Kensuke

"It's breathable you pansies." Snapped Misato. "Now Shinji, get that thing off you and get into the city, we'll cover you with the cannons."

"Understood." Shinji pulled hard on the scarily familiar control handles, pulling the Angel closer to him by its tendrils. With a twist of the controls, he brought the Eva's legs up under the Angel, feet aimed directly at the pulsating red glow coming from between several pairs of wildly spasming leg bones. Jolting the controls forward along their rails shot the Eva's feet at the hovering purple penis, shaking his passengers right down to their bones. Shinji slid the controls back and forth several times, each collision cracking at least one of the creatures legs away from what appeared to be its spine. With a final ram, some tolerance barrier within the Angel was reached, for the nigh-invincible creature on a mission to eradicate Humanity was forced backward, sans two glowing pink tendrils rapidly becoming rock-solid in a singed purple grip. Shinji dropped the stiffened tendrils and drew his Progressive Knife, the blade acquiring a low, constant, hum. As he made ready to assault the now defenseless Angel, his mind was attacked on several fronts. Misato began to yell violently over the audio connection, the Angel began to undergo a sickening metamorphosis, and everyone present in the entry plug developed a splitting headache.

"It's A.T. Field is expanding rapidly Shinji! Get out of there now!"

"My god it's like one drill going in one ear, another drill going in the other, AND THEY'RE MEETING IN THE MIDDLE!"

**YOU DIE. I RETURN**

The Angel's 'body', though seemingly formed from a single piece of purple flesh, was curling up at the edges, forming a strange skirt. The edge rolled up further, exposing nothingness underneath; it tapered inward as it ascended, folding over the shattered legs and bulging core with no difficulties. In a rampant display of non-Euclidean geometry the curling edge did not expand outward to swallow the 'head' of the creature, the ring of skin maintaining the same diameter it had when it passed over the core of the Angel. Very quickly the head had been consumed, and just as quickly the rolling purple 'portal' folded onto itself, shrinking out of existence.

* * *

...

* * *

And in a stunning move, Gendo uses Call to Heel on the opponent's Shamshel, ruining any chance of destroying Shinji this turn. How will his mystery opponent come back from a milling so early in the game? What card did he draw as a result of Call to Heel? Find out next time on Yu-Gi-Oh!


	6. Shut Up and Explode

Shinji was a man,

Or maybe he was an Angel-man,

Or maybe he was just an Angel.

But still he was SHINJIIIIIIII!

* * *

**And You Thought I Forgot About Rei**

* * *

_Ding Dong._

Misato ran to the door, her head shooting through the opening frame faster than he neck should have allowed. "Shinji?"

"Uh, well…" One the two youths at her door began. He seemed at a loss for words, because the other youth, a shorter, glasses-wearing boy, had to continue for him.

"Actually we're Shinji's classmates; Aida and Suzuhara." The boy motioned first to himself, then to his companion.

"Aida and Suzuhara? You were the two who got into the entry plug?"

"Yes, well, we're here because Ikari hasn't been at school since then, and we just wanted to check if he's alright." The taller boy dipped his head downward almost apologetically as he spoke. Misato recognised him as the one reported to have assaulted Shinji and Rei; the other one was put down in a report as 're-educated'. Misato couldn't just tell them 'Shinji's run away and only realised this morning', it would look bad if such rumours spread about Captain Katsuragi, Demon Driver of Tokyo-3. Knowing it was a flimsy cover the moment the words left her mouth, Misato blurted out the first cover story she'd been taught when working for NERV. "He's in a NERV training facility down in the Geofront at the moment, he should be back by the end of the week." Somehow, neither Aida nor Suzuhara thought to question why NERV training took almost a week to complete; the two boys just proffered a stack of papers, saying "Well, these are the handouts piling up on his desk, so if he could get these that'd be great."

"I'll make sure he gets them. Bye then." As the door slid shut, Toji turned to Kensuke with a questioning look, "Do you think she was the woman yelling at us that day?"

"Not sure. Could have been, but I'd like more evidence to convince me." Both of them ruminated on this predicament, but were shocked out of it by a loud _CLANG_ on the door accompanied by a muffled "FUCK!".

"I'm convinced, let's go."

* * *

...

* * *

"I just think it's really unfair, Ritsuko. We shove children into giant deathtraps and then it's a big surprise if they run off on us. Now we're left with Rei and Unit-00, and neither of them seem alright." Misato spun lazily on a chair, wrapping her arms around its back.

"There's no difficulty in recovering Shinji, nor will there be an issue with Unit-00. The Commander has made sure of it." Misato stopped her pinning to stare at Ritsuko.

"What do you mean by 'No difficulty'?"

"There's a tracker in his SDAT player. NERV don't let _any_ high-level employees just walk around without a way to find them."

"And I wasn't told? I am Shinji's guardian and superior officer, I should be informed of his wellbeing whenever it should be necessary!" It was quite understandable, really: Section 2 - security division had to be able to trace and recover any employees with potentially harmful data bouncing around in their heads. Misato hadn't been told because she had the same restrictions placed on her, she just didn't know enough secrets to warrant being trusted with another.

"The commander has let this happen for a reason, eventually Shinji will pilot the Evangelion without even being asked, he just has to want it to happen. Now please, the microphone's on and you're scaring Rei." Dr Akagi turned back to the Giant Window when she remembered exactly why she was in the room to begin with. "By the way, Rei, you're all fine. It was nice of Shinji to be worried about you like that, but just trust us in the Geofront."

* * *

...

* * *

"You have to go on without me, Private." The Captain lay dying in the field, he couldn't even hear the gunfire any more, the only things left in the world were him and the bullet in his gut.

"But Captain Manlove, what are we going to do without you?"

"Go and win this war…for the right…to be fabulous." And with one last flop of his hand, Captain Honeybunch Manlove breathed one last fabulous breath.

"I'll walk down the main street in heels when we win Captain, for you." Private Aida rose from the dirt, rifle in hand, and ran toward the enemy. He spotted the enemy, and was about to fire before he realised it was a civilian. Aida dived into the long grass immediately, praying that Shinji hadn't seen him.

"Who's there? I can see the dent in the grass."

_Shit_.

"Kensuke? Are you picnicking?"

"Camping actually."

"Mind if I join you?"

_Yes._

_Be polite dear, Mother didn't die soon after your birth for you to be a bad person._

"No."

* * *

...

* * *

"So you were given a choice to pilot this robot, and you said no? I would have jumped at the chance man; save the world, get all the girls. Perfect life."

"It's not though, Everyone in class looked at me like some kind of freak, and those monsters are better than anything I could throw at them." Kensuke poked at the fire with a stick, he still wasn't seeing the downsides to the arrangement.

"So you're saying that being the only person able to pilot the robot and save us all has no good points? You get to hang around with the most powerful people in Japan. Shit man, my dad works for NERV too, and we get all sorts of cool discounts."

"So your father didn't leave you with a total stranger for ten years? My mother dies, and suddenly my father can't even look me in the face. He calls me up after all this time, and he's been making a giant robot instead of being my father." Shinji was gesticulating wildly, his arms nearly knocking the food into the fire. "Then I get there, and it turns out I'm the second choice! If Rei wasn't injured, I'd never see my father again! I probably wouldn't even be in his fucking will!"

Struggling to steer the conversation away from 'burn the world', Kensuke conferred agreement on the on the least objectionable part of Shinji's tirade"My mother died when I was young too; we're the same like that."

"Toji doesn't go around punching _you_ for saving his life I bet."

"I don't have the creepy quiet girl throwing herself in the way either. Toji'll probably apologise next time you see him. His sister found out and gave him a good talking to. 'That robot saved our lives, even if I'm injured, I'm still alive.' and stuff like that." Kensuke chuckled to himself. "He seemed pretty embarrassed, being chewed out by an eight-year-old."

"Does Rei normally do that sort of thing? The punching thing, I mean."

"You work with her, haven't you figured out the inner workings of her brain yet?" Kensuke waved the fire-prod in Shinji's direction, not very subtly teasing him.

"Not really. I've only spoken to her once, and we didn't really talk about each other. Besides, aren't girls supposed to do mysterious crazy things like that?" As overt as it was, Shinji didn't understand what Kensuke really meant. Breathing a sigh of relief, Kensuke was simply happy Shinji had gone from active-agressive to passive-agressive.

"Well she doesn't talk in class unless the teacher calls her, so I can't say much about her character. From what my dad says about girls though, apart from, and I quote 'crazy bitches are more trouble than they're worth', I'd say she's taking a liking to you."

"I don't follow you." Shinji was distracted by the fire prod, still unscathed despite being held over the fire for several teasing waves. Perhaps its made of Emiyum, densest metal in the known universe, but that is a mystery for after scientists discover Emiyum and do science at it.

"I'm saying," Kensuke leaned over the fire, holding a hand next to his mouth and dropped to a loud whisper "that she might want to ride on _your_ giant unicorn, if you catch my drift."

"Oh." Shinji let that sink in for several seconds, processing the link between Unit-01's superfluous horn and any other superfluous horns he might possess.

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!"

* * *

_And indeed it is superfluous, wink wink nudge nudge_

* * *

"Do you normally camp out like this?"

"I suppose."

"Is it military training?"

"With toy guns like this? No, I'm weird, why do you think I said 'don't be friends with me'?"

"Too late now, Captain Manlove."

_Shit_

* * *

_Dawn of the Third Day_

* * *

Shinji and Kensuke were woken by the sound of footsteps. Several sets of footsteps, judging by the frequency of repetition. The footsteps stopped when they reached the tent, then nothing but the rustling of leaves in the wind. Kensuke left the tent, imitation army helmet on his head, toy rifle slung across his back. He began speaking even before his head had cleared the flaps. "Can I help you in some wa-" he quickly degenerated into a screaming fit at the sight of several MoNeSlMen in a ring around the tent. The once closest to Kensuke raised one hand and snapped his fingers, fitting the words "3, 2, 1, sleep" between screams. Kensuke collapsed to the ground in a heap, his mouth open and his eyes glazed over. The same MoNeSlMan spoke again. "Third Child, Pilot Shinji Ikari, you are absent from your designated emergency response post without leave granted by a superior officer. You will be taken immediately before Commander Ikari. Come with us." Shinji grabbed the bag he had brought with him and left the tent. The MoNeSlMan looked over Shinji's head at the tent he'd just left. "You have in your possession all personal effects you brought with you?"

"Yes."

"Good. With me then."

* * *

...

* * *

"Why did you run away Shinji?" After being retrieved by his security detail, Shinji had been left in a small room, almost a cell, deep within the Geofront.

"Because I don't want to pilot the Eva." That was not the only reason, though the other reasons were his concerns to deal with.

"And you chose to breach several articles of our Security Act to go camping because of this?" As far as Shinji was aware, the Security Act hadn't existed until it was convenient for NERV to use.

"If I don't want to pilot the Eva, there's nothing you can do to stop me, I'm the only person who can do it, after all."

"Rei's been deemed fit for duty, they're lifting the freeze on Unit-00."

"I see. I wouldn't want to get in her way, perhaps it would be best if I left Tokyo-3."

"Of course. And Shinji?"

"Yes, Misato?"

"For what it's worth, it was nice having you stay with me, you'd be welcome anytime."

* * *

...

* * *

"Hello, Katsuragi speaking."

"Uh yes uh, this is Kensuke Aida, I saw Shinji the other day, I was wondering if he'd be back at school this week."

"Shinji should still be training this week, and afterwards he'll be outside of Tokyo-3 for an indefinite period of time."

"He ran away, didn't he? He camped with me then some men took him away." Kensuke didn't see the point beating around the bush.

"Yes. Shinji's chosen not to pilot Evangelion Unit-01, so he'll be going back home."

"How soon? Some of his friends from school want to say goodbye."

"If you can get to the bullet train before the next one leaves you can see him."

* * *

...

* * *

Shinji was getting out of the car when he heard voices coming from down the street. He turned to look around and saw Kensuke dragging Toji, with Horaki and Rei following. Toji eventually overtook Kensuke, huffing and puffing as he reached Shinji. "Hey…new kid. Heard you were…headed out of town." Kensuke quickly drew alongside Toji, significantly more out of breath than him. Doubled over, he waved his head in Shinji's direction. "'Sup Shinji." Horaki stormed up to Shinji, her eyebrows furrowed deeply enough to plant crops.

"I only just adjusted the rosters to accommodate you, and now you're leaving? I've got so much extra work it's not funny! I hope you're sorry!"

"Sorry."

"Well then, I hope you have a nice rest of your life in a city without any monsters that can only be defeated by a giant robot." Kensuke clapped Shinji on the shoulder, still panting frequently.

"Don't mind her, she didn't believe me when I said guilt-tripping had failed." Rei made her way over to Shinji, shoulders straight, face an immovable mask of neutrality. She stood in front of Shinji for several seconds, presumably thinking, before she decided on what to say.

"Pilot Ikari, I do not know the correct way to express the emotions I am feeling. You are leaving, I do not want you to go. Will you consider staying in Tokyo-3?" Shinji began to feel very uncomfortable, mainly because Kensuke was elbowing him in the ribs repeatedly, winking and wiggly his eyebrows.

"I'm sorry Rei, but I was only here to pilot, and now I'm not piloting, there's no point in me staying. I'll write you a letter or something if you want." Rei looked down at her feet. She appeared just as lost as Shinji did. Kensuke had withdrawn from Shinji's side, being better at sensing the nuance of conversation. Rei stuck her hand out, almost poking Shinji in the stomach.

"It was nice knowing you, Shinji Ikari."

"Likewise, Rei Ayanami." Shinji took her hand in his; Rei still applied too much pressure, but he didn't mind.

As Shinji approached the entrance to the station, Misato imparted what she thought was advice. "Your father won't let you just disappear; he'll keep tabs on you till this situation is resolved."

"I know. Goodbye, Misato."

* * *

...

* * *

Shinji could feel it the moment he stepped onto the platform, the feeling of dread that accompanies a man running naked through the prison showers. He could see Rei and the others outside the station, Misato had already gotten in her car and driven off. Toji, Kensuke and Horaki were already walking back to school; Rei was talking to a black sedan car parked by the station. As she went to enter the vehicle, she turned to look toward the station, toward Shinji. She was too far away for Shinji to see much of her eyes; they were tiny red dots in an otherwise white face. He didn't need to see her eyes, however, to know what was happening. He jumped the fence out of the station and was alongside the car within moments.

"Angel?"

"Angel."

* * *

...

* * *

No ShinjixTrain for you!

Regards,

Shipping Nazi


	7. Crocodile Dun-Shinji

A/N: The flashback takes place in an alternate universe of this fanfiction in which I couldn't be bothered making sense or not being racist. I might write a chapter entirely with Bleach characters and you have to guess who's who; I don't know, I don't hate the world enough for that yet, maybe in the sequel.

Also thank you 'djein' for being my 10th follower and 'Neo Rider Double Xtreme' for my 10th favourite, wooh for quickly fading internet recognition.

EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME!

* * *

_Do the Locomotion With Me!  
_

* * *

"We've been unable to confirm the presence of the 4th Angel with the 5th. It's entirely possible it died of its injuries."

"You know as well as I do Professor, the Angels won't roll over and let us keep the planet. The 4th _is_ returning, and it brought backup."

"You are aware sir, that this suggests the Angels have a near-human level of intelligence guiding their actions."

"You know that's true. Now please, handle things here, I'll sort out the freeze on Unit-00."

* * *

_..._

* * *

On the ride back to Headquarters, Shinji wasn't sure if Rei was less at ease than he was, she was fidgeting with her bandages as though possessed by a meth-addicted Spiderman. Mustering up a pittance of courage, he decided to broach what he thought was a very touchy subject.

"Is everything alright Rei? Is your arm hurting you?" Rei abruptly stopped all movement, her head jerking around like a bird to look at Shinji. "No. I am simply attempting to resolve an internal conflict."

"What do you mean, 'internal conflict'?" Shinji tried to meet Rei's gaze, but she had already moved to look at her hands.

"That is the conflict. I am unable to adequately express the sensations I am feeling that have caused the conflict. I have recently experienced strange dreams that I believe are connected to the sensations. Connected to you." Rei spoke without emotion; Shinji couldn't tell what was supposed to be important or not. He wasn't used to handling something so direct so easily, but it scared some parts of his brain to know he was involved in dreams causing an 'internal conflict'. To the relief of Shinji's embarrassment, Rei did not offer anything further on the subject; Shinji did not pry further. Burying his head in his hands, Shinji turned to the window, letting the ride pass in total silence.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Misato had cornered Shinji as he was leaving the locker room outside the Cages, pushing him back into the room with one hand. "Misato, I…" he began, stammering due to Misato's closeness, "I should really get to the Eva now." Misato ignored his protestations, pulling him close in a tight hug.

"Welcome back Shinji, I know it doesn't mean much, but it's good to have you here with me."

"I think, Misato, that this falls under some form of molestation in some country somewhere." Misato began to pull away, tears already present in her eyes. "No don't cry I didn't mean- Look, you can hug me, but don't smell my hair and act like I'm a long-lost lover or something."

"I wasn't smelling your hair."

"You were, it was creepy." Misato turned away, slightly put out with Shinji's _oh so hurtful_ words. She turned to the door, moving too fast for the motors to slide it away fast enough. Rubbing her nose hurtfully, Misato turned back to Shinji with one hand firmly over the door frame.

"You should probably get ready Shinji, the Angel will be here soon." Shinji ducked under her arm to get through the door. "I'm already ready, I was just leaving." Misato grabbed at his hand as he went past her, openly sobbing in the corridor.

"Don't leave me again, I can't handle single life without you!"

"I've lived at your place for less than a week, then I was away for two days, I don't think we count as living together."

"DON'T LEAVE ME PLEASE! I CAN'T COOK!"

"I'm going to go over here and fight the giant blue floaty monster now, don't follow me."

"But I'm lost too! Which way's the Bridge?"

"The opposite direction to me."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Rei arrived at Dr Akagi's office exactly two minutes after she had requested a private meeting with the Doctor. As she went to buzz the short-range intercom to signify her arrival the door opened suddenly and Lieutenant Ibuki stepped out, arms hugging a bundle of folders tight to her chest. Ibuki jumped slightly upon seeing Rei so close to the door, a small squeak escaping her mouth. To hide her face, Ibuki brought the folders up to the level of her nose. "Ah! Rei, I didn't know you needed to see Dr Akagi too, if I had, I wouldn't have taken up so much of her time."

"It is alright Lieutenant Ibuki, my appointment with Dr Akagi was not planned more than two minutes ago. I am sure your prior appointment was not overly rushed." Ibuki blushed heavily, bringing the folders up until they were up to her eyebrows. Rei did not understand the cause of such behaviour, at most she understood Ibuki was a person prone to embarrassment, much like Shinji. "Well then Rei, I'd best get back to work." As Ibuki left, Dr Akagi suddenly spun her head around the door frame, calling out to Ibuki.

"You've just been at work Lieutenant, you needn't return to what you haven't left." With a lingering gaze toward the rapidly disappearing 'personal aide', Akagi welcomed Rei into her office. "Now Rei, since you asked for a private talk, I assume you don't want a medical check-up?" Akagi quickly resumed her place behind her desk, legs crossed; Rei remained standing on the other side of the desk, hand over her bandaged arm.

"Dr Akagi, now that Ikari has returned, am I still considered an active Pilot?"

"I've received no message stating that you aren't, so for all intents and purposes I shall treat you as such. But you didn't come here because of that, you could have asked the Commander, and likely will regardless. This is something bigger, isn't it?" Akagi uncrossed her legs and leaned forward over the desk, clearly interested in the topic at hand.

"I am experiencing an internal conflict. I would like your assistance in resolving it."

"Now I'm curious, what kind of 'internal conflict' is it? If I don't know, I can't solve it."

"That is my primary conflict: I am unable to quantify the symptoms of the conflict." Dr Akagi adopted a strange posture, leaning on the desk as she was. Fingers curled, knuckles touching, Akagi looked to Rei with a look of utmost curiosity. Idly tapping her index fingers together, she voiced that curiosity.

"You're saying that you are experiencing some strange feelings. Furthermore, you do not know how to quantify, or in some way express, said feelings."

"Yes Doctor, I would like your assistance in expressing these feelings."

"Sorry, can't do that." Akagi leaned back to rest in the 'fullness' and 'comfort' of her sparse, NERV-issued office chair, continuing her explanation in as sparse a fashion. "I'm not qualified to perform evaluations on complex matters of mental health. I can recommend you speak to one of NERV's mental health specialists however. Dr Dykenschmidt is quite good I hear, I'll put you on to her."

"That will be sufficient. Thank your Dr Akagi."

"Yes. Well then, you'd best head to the Cages, Shinji may need help with this one."

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Now Shinji, same procedure as last time: you go up there, shoot for the core and we all go home safe and sound."

"Won't the Angel know to expect it? It didn't work against the other one, so why this one?"

"We have no guarantee that the Angels can reliably communicate that sort of information, we haven't detected the previous Angel anywhere at all, so we don't think it's worth worrying about."

"But Mr Fuyutsuki, if it did the disappearing thing in reverse, couldn't it show up anywhere?"

"We have no evidence to suggest that; I'm also a professor."

"Sorry Professor Fuyutsuki."

* * *

_One Month Ago, Australian Time  
_

* * *

"Commence activation."

"Connecting all circuits on umbilical power." A pause as Maya adjusted the tilt of her Akubra hat which was obscuring her view of the Little Screen. "Power Supply bonza, Commander Mate-kari. Commencing full activation on your 'cunt'." Gendo pushed his glasses further up his nose, covering the Tasmania-shaped mole on the bridge of his nose.

"Cunt." At this, several buttons and levers were moved from 'strewth!' to 'Kylie Minogue's Bum', bringing the orange colossus to a slow awakening. The green dome on top of its skull began to glow as the activation voltage approached critical values.

"Dingo ate me baby in 3…" Some blonde sheila began to stare at Unit-00 with great intent

"2…" The old fart standing next to Gendo took a small step back.

"1… Baby eaten."

The Dr Sheila turned to Maya, spouting off some instructions like people gave a shit what she said. Commander Mate-kari put her in her place by taking command, as is his job.

"Begin second phase of the activation." Several more systems were brought up to 'Kylie Minogue's Bum' while some of the previous set were taken back down to 'strewth!'. A small subsection of the office-like space was taken up by men wearing blue wifebeater singlets and dirt-stained shorts. These men were tasked with monitoring the status of the pilot, some other sheila with blue hair or some crazy shit. One of the men, the nominated leader of the group, spoke up over Lieutenant Ibuki. "Ray's linking up with the robot Cunt-mander, all circuits bonza." More of his fellow workers spoke up then; the entire team eventually reporting.

"Synapse inserted." Said Gazza the Technician

"Junctions connecting." Said Lazza the Technician

"Transmitting nerve pulse." Said Bazza the Technician

"All circuits operational." Said Keith the Technician

"No problems with initial contact." Said Maya the Useless Lezzo

Commander Mate-kari looked on in stoic appreciation for the forces they were contending with. Dr Sheila adopted a face of apprehensive glee, as though a dingo had eaten her least favourite child and only mauled the others. The old bastard standing behind Gendo looked like he had seen far too many stingray accidents to be hopeful about this.

"Mates, with this we come one step closer to really stickin' it to the Pommies, and if we play our cards right, we can get rid of those fuckin' Abbos too. Activate Evangeline Unit-00!"

Almost instantly the orange giant began to shake, then shudder. It was immediately clear to all gathered in the raised viewing box that things were incredibly not bonza. Gendo Mate-kari blamed this occurrence on the Abbos, he just knew they had done something. He immediately worked through all the possible solutions to stop this Abbo-tainted Evangelion and realised the only way to stop an Aboriginal was to make it do work.

"Flood the place with quick-dry cement! As many batches as possible, right now!"

Vents began to open in the giant chamber beyond the window, their payload unloading upon the berserk giant within. Within seconds the grey sludge began to harden its surface over Unit-00, impeding its rampage against the Cunt-mander. It tried to fight the inanimate solution, but its punches were eventually silenced, its thrashing halted. As it's actions ceased, a large panel on the back of its neck was blasted free with explosive bolts. The entry plug fired away from the shuddering beast with blast of short-term rocket boosting fuel derived from beer yeast.

"Commander, isn't that your sheila in that? I mean, the clone of her or some shit."

"Shit Prof, that's right!" Gendo ran out the door and down several flight's of interminable stairs. He almost slipped and fell to his death several times, but he eventually made it to the lowest level where he could access the huge white chamber he had recently been viewing. Running through the rapidly hardening cement, splattering his clothes and face with the mixture in the process, Gendo approached the entry plug laying in a shallow layer of solid cement.

"Ray! Ray, you stupid sheila, you alright in there? Ray!" Gendo brought his hands down upon the emergency open levers protruding from the side of the plug. The plug opened with a flood of boiling hot Fanta, forcing Gendo to jump back to avoid being scarred by the scalding fluid. Gendo reached inside the plug, where Ray was slowly regaining consciousness.

"Commander…"

"Ray, are you hurt?"

"Fucken oath Commander, you think I'm gonna be fine after that? You fucks better have good compo for all this."

* * *

_Present_

* * *

"Shinji get out of the way!"

"Why? What's wro-" Shinji hadn't noticed it, but the Angel wasn't a simple blue octahedron anymore. Moments after detecting the presence of Unit-01 it had changed, rotating, separating, melting and solidifying until it formed a bizarre ring over the sky of Tokyo-3. From four of the largest crystals in the ring came an orange glow that spoke of immense power beyond the reach of human means, a power that swung the ring around and about until it pointed itself directly at Shinji. The glow also spoke of a huge electro-magnetic field being used to accelerate sub-atomic particles to immense speed within the confines of the ring, using the main crystals as refraction points to direct the resulting particle beam in Shinji's direction.

Misato ordered a blast shield raised immediately, but the beam broke down the solid building of metal to molten girders and particle clouds just as fast as it was brought up.

Misato urged Shinji to move again, but the Angel was attacking what he though was his heart, the pain was to great to think of anything but the pain.

Misato was about to enter into a panic herself when Commander Ikari leaned forward.

"Drop the intersection, now."

"The intersection, commander?"

"Detonate the supports."

* * *

_..._

* * *

That's right bitches, MORE CLIFFHANGERS, because fuck continuous storytelling with a definite conclusion at the end of each chapter, or a mild cliffhanger in a single volume that's resolved the very next page.

Looking at you Kubo, Mr 'My-name-is LET'S FLASHBACK TO ICHIGO'S DEAD WHORE OF A MOTHER'

I slightly mad.


	8. Zaraki is Best Girl

"Since you seem confident, I shall fight you on equal grounds. Only then shall you realise how pitiful you are compared to a Captain of the Geofront 13." Byahyuga stood across from Shinjigo in the most barren section of the Seiretei, possibly even all of Soul Society. Honestly, Byahyuga was happy that his adoptive sister Rukia had been saved by the intruder, but as a Captain he must uphold the laws placed upon them by the Soul King himself.

"'Equal grounds' huh? Let me just warm up my Bankai and I'll be right with you."

"Bankai? You think you can claim a power unattained by many members of my own noble family? I will show you the cost of your impertinence, boy! Bankai. _Senbonzakura Kageyoshi._" Byahyuga dropped his blade, where it began to disappear as though sinking into water. As it fell, thousands of glowing white blades began to protrude on the local reality.

"So you've got a few knives? You'll need more than that to stop me. Ban…KAI!" The explosion of Reiatsu as Shinjigo called forth his sword was massive, the dust cloud given off channelled and towered until it was a wall as tall as the Soukyoku. The first inkling Byahyuga had as to the fight he was in for was the immense shadow that had come into life behind the cloud. His second inkling came when the cloud dissipated, revealing the shadow to be a behemoth clad in purple armour, easily the size of Kawomura's Kokujō Tengen Myō'ō

"_Shin Seiki Evangelion."_

* * *

**Guess why Shinji Thinks in Angel-font**

* * *

**WHY DO YOU RUN?**

_To avoid death_

**WHY DO YOU NEED TO ESCAPE DEATH?**

_I am afraid of it_

**WHY DO YOU FEAR IT?**

_Because it is death_

**WHY DO YOU NOT FIGHT?**

_Because I am afraid that if I fight, I will die_

**THAT'S COWARDS REASONING**

_Then I'm a coward_

**NO YOU AREN'T**

_Then I'm dishonest, and a coward_

**CHRIST YOU'RE USELESS**

_You don't know what life's like for me, you're not me_

**YES I AM**

_No you aren't_

**I AM**

_Are not_

**I WILL NOT START THIS SHIT**

_You're giving up? Does that mean I win?_

**YOU CANNOT WIN A BATTLE WITH YOUR OWN SUBCONSCIOUS, THAT WHICH IS INNER SELF**

_You're my inner self?_

**YES, I AM THOU, THOU ART ME**

_Stick my hand in the TV?_

**WE TALK TO KENSUKE TOO MUCH**

_You're not the boss of me_

**YES YOU ARE**

_That hurts my brain thinking like that_

**I SWEAR TO CTHULHU I WILL MIND-SLAP THE SHIT OUT OF YOU ONE OF THESE DAYS**

_Can I go now?_

**YOU ARE ASKING YOUR SELF FOR PERMISSION TO LEAVE YOUR OWN INNER WORLD?**

_I don't know how to get out, do you?_

**IF I DID YOU WOULD KNOW AS WELL. WE ARE ONE**

_So I can't go just yet?_

**YOU PLACE THESE LIMITS UPON YOURSELF**

_You're a pretty shitty all-knowing subconscious_

**YOU ARE SO MIND-SLAPPED**

_I'd like to see you tr-FUCK!_

**I AM LEAVING NOW**

_But you're my subconscious, how can you leave?_

**THE TAXI IS WAITING OUTSIDE. GOODBYE**

* * *

_..._

* * *

"We've ascertained that the Angel has an attack range of up to three kilometres in radius but will automatically attack any large, hostile or fast-moving object within one kilometre of the Angel. It accelerates a collection of sub-atomic particles within its body and then ejects the resultant stream at the targets. At approximately 1030 hours today the Angel extruded a drill from its body and began to penetrate the Geofront's armour layers. As of the status report from 1500 its penetrated 17 of the 46 layers and it's estimated to breach the final layer a little after midnight."

"How's Shinji? And Unit-01, will it be repaired in time?"

"All damage to the pilot was psychological, so the doctors expect him to wake up before 1800 hours. Unit-01 is past the regeneration stage and they're up to refitting the chest armour."

"Has Unit-00 been successfully activated?"

"Dr Akagi's running the tests now."

"Let me know when that's done." Misato turned away from the crowded strategy table and looked around for Hyuga. Finding him proved to be rather difficult, as finding a specific dark-haired Asian man of medium build in a room filled with dark-haired Asian men of medium build is not as simple as it first appears. Of course, Misato could have circumvented the problem by ordering Hyuga colour his hair bright pink or wears a giant yellow top hat while at work. The main issue with this solution is that once the trend has been started everyone would do it, forcing Misato to order Hyuga _not_ dye his hair or wear a brightly coloured hat, condemning all of NERV to a vicious cycle.

Misato eventually decided to yell for him as that seemed the most sensible solution.

"Hyuga! Get me a coffee, a beer, a coffee with beer in it and a beer with coffee in it!"

Hyuga, however, wasn't in the room. Sending a generic dark-haired intern of medium build on what amounted to a fool's errand, Misato turned back to her Gender-Neutral Planning Committee comprised of multi-denomonational men _and_ women of various builds.

"Anyone have anything about the Angel? Probable method of how the fuck is it hovering? How it changes shape? Best idea for a first date?" Misato was obviously grasping at straws too small for the eye to see, but she kept grasping, hoping that she'll happen upon a pinhead-sized idea that allows any chance of Humanity's survival. After a few moments of consultation with members of the Gender-Neutral Planning Sub-committee the members of the Gender-Neutral Planning Committee fired off their suggestions and knowledge rapid-fire, one after the other.

Committee Member Okinawa: "The Angel likely uses it A.T. Field to float in a manner similar to the previous Angel."

Committee Member Smith: "It also likely uses its A.T. Field to alter its shape."

Committee Member Hitler: "And its probably using its A.T. Field to accelerate the subatomic particles. The huge power output of its S2 Engine enables it to create a particle beam of huge destru-"

"So its A.T. Fields all the way?" Misato sat with arms crossed, deep in thought and slightly perturbed at this repetition of the phrase 'A.T. Field'.

"We believe so, yes." Said Hitler

"Alright. Is there anyway we can break its A.T. Field?"

"A sufficiently charged group of positively-charged particles should be able to negate the electro-magnetic field holding the Angel's core together." Okinawa was the only female member of the Committee that had studied a science through higher education.

"Can I get that without the science?" Misato hadn't.

"If you shoot the Angel's A.T. Field with…a very powerful electric bullet, we'll be able to destroy the Angel easily. We'll have to do it outside the attack range of the Angel's own electric beam." Okinawa seemed quite adept at Virgin to Japanese translation

"OK. Do we have a gun able to fire that electric bullet?"

"The particle accelera-gun, would have to be the size of an Eva unit, and it would most likely need a humongous amount of power to destroy the Angel."

"But do we have the gun?"

"There's a group of scientists that made a straight-line positron accelerator. I suppose we can modify sections to allow an Eva to use it."

"New Plan! We're going to shoot that geometric fuckwad with a lightning cannon!" Realising that a solution exists, Misato broke a cardinal rule of mathematicians everywhere: Never Actually Solve the Problem (Rules: -5i+$7.5Rulesqrt(hole punch))

"It's antimatter, not lightning."

"Anti-Lightning!"

"Le sigh" said Committee Member Jacques Remille

* * *

_..._

* * *

Shinji woke with a start.

"LEPRECHAUNS TOOK MY BRAIN ON A TAXI TO FRANCE!"

With a further start, he realised he had jumped out of the hospital bed, dive-rolled away from the door and adopted a pose that would bring shame to a yellow-belt in anything, all in front of Rei and a large wheeled cart.

"Your brain appears to be present."

Straightening from his lowered fighting pose, Shinji turned the rest of his body to face Rei. "Di-did I win? Did I do the thing where the Eva goes insane?"

Rei shook her head. "You did not. The Angel is currently occupying space above the centre of the city and is actively penetrating the armour layers above the Geofront."

"Is there a plan to destroy it? They can't be thinking of sending us against it again, can they?"

Rei reached into a lower section of the cart, retrieving a manila folder from its shining depths.

"Your section of the mission is outlined from page ten onward." Rei then handed Shinji a small meal tray and a plastic-wrapped package. "It is recommended that you eat before hand. You have also been issued with a new Entry Plug Suit for this mission." Rei left as simply as she had arrived, a look of deep thought crossing her face.

* * *

_Later, at Mt Saint Haro  
_

* * *

_You will survive, because I am protecting you. Goodbye._

Shinji could have majored in Marine Biology and Interpretive Dance and still seen the flags Rei had raised within a five-minute conversation. With those thoughts leading his mind, he synched with Unit-01 as it lay by the positron accelerator.

_But I'm not trained for an operation like this._

_I am bonded to Unit-00._

_We believe in you Shinji; good luck._

_Wark!_

"Shinji, your synch rate is only at 61%." Maya began, the only person brave enough to speak in the now taut Stationary Mobile Command Centre. "Can you do something to raise it?"

"I can try, I guess…" Shinji tried to force the unnecessary thoughts from his mind, but he was barely half successful. Futile though his efforts seemed, it apparently worked. He could feel a pulling at the back of his head, as though leprechaun's really were stealing his brain. He'd only felt this sensation when synchronising with his Eva unit, so he must have done something right.

"Unit-00 active, Unit-01 active. Ready to commence operation."

"All lines routed through New Gotemba substation. Storage systems at 80% critical voltage."

"Operation start time in T minus five minutes. Prepping fuses."

"Shinji, we're entrusting you with the power of Japan. We stand with you; by your efforts, we'll survive."

"That's quite a bit of pressure and melodrama for a lightning cannon Misato."

"Everything official gets recorded, I might as well say something good."

* * *

_Later, When I could think of Something to Write...  
_

* * *

"Storage systems at 100% critical voltage, beginning transfer to particle accelerator." Misato looked to Ritsuko for confirmation, it seemed everything else was 'right to go'.

"Everything's set on our end; Unit-01, fire when ready."

Shinji sat back in the Entry plug, then leaned forward into the drop-down visor that was hastily grafted onto both the plug and Unit-01's head. Shinji began to list off the required computations, _tick-tack_ing away at buttons lodged in the control handles.

"Gravity compensation active. Coriolis calculations complete. Rotational velocidensity ascertained and dampened. Ready to fire." Shinji took an agonising stretch of time to sort the flickering triangles into a cohesive whole. First the triangles flickered into a square, then something resembling a circle, finally forming a traditional diamond cross-hair.

"This is Unit-01, Shinji Ikari; Targeted and Firing!"

The Prototype Straight-line Positron Accelerator discharged in a single blinding beam as the huge volume of antimatter was forced through a tube of matter into an atmosphere of matter, exploding along the way. Shinji couldn't see past the massive visor, but everyone watching on a non-shielded camera, i.e. All of them, would have been left without functioning retinas for a good minute or two.

"Rei, can you see the Angel? Did I hit it?"

"The positrons deviated from their intended path."

"What?"

"You missed. The positrons were acted upon by a force not involved in the calculations." Rei was, for some reason, eminently suited for an exposition of 'science'. This was most likely because everyone else able to science was suffering from Burning Retina Syndrome, a terrible, blinding disease. Opening the channel to Dr Akagi in the Stationary Mobile Command Centre, Shinji decided to get some proper science from a scientist.

"The shot missed Dr Akagi; did I do anything wrong?"

Shinji noticed it then, the mounting sense of dread that had built itself up from the moment he decided to fight. It was simple really: the A.T. Field of the Angel they were attacking had a fluctuating magnetic charge, which they had compensated for in their calculations. Shinji knew enough about magnets to know that a magnetic field would alter the path of any charged particle. It just so happened that positrons accelerated by over 2TW of power were sufficiently charged enough to be deviated by an Angel's A.T. Field enfolding into existence by the lake beside Tokyo-3 proper.

"Never mind Dr Akagi, I figured it out. The other Angel is back."

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Hear that, Fuyutsuki?"

"Yes I did, Commander."

"And that means?" Gendo drew his sentence out, motioning for Kozou to continue.

"It means, that I pay one instalment on Captain Katsuragi's car."

"Very good Kozou, I was worried you were going senile on me."

* * *

My god its going to take me 4 chapters to kill Shamshel. That makes up nearly half the chapters that actually matter so far.


	9. REVVING INTENSIFIES

ShinjixKaoru is unarguably the best yuri pairing in any Gainax production, bar NorikoxRei, but it's Noriko so she gets top spot anyway.

* * *

_I Italicised Train Because it's Evangelion  
_

* * *

It was immediately apparent to everyone with functioning retinas what had just happened, Misato was not one of those people and was thus screeching for someone to inform her.

"Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me to put sunglasses on? The only thing my brain says I can see is the Sub-Commander's knobbly ballsack! Tell me its better than that, tell me the Angel killed us all." Luckily Misato was whimpering pathetically in the foetal position or else the ever-recording microphones might have broadcast her words to Fuyutsuki, or worse, the very impressionable mind of Rei.

"Short version is: previous Angel's back and that deviated the beam, we've got next to no chance of charging the rifle befo-" Dr Akagi had admirable skills in both shortening and understating the situation, but not before the predictable happened.

"High energy reaction detected within the target. Its about to fire!"

Shinji cowered within the confines of his mind. He still had Vietnam Flashbacks to the last time he had been fired upon by the Angel of Geometry, even though he was neither old enough to have fought in Vietnam or emotionally stable enough for Vietnam Flashbacks to be mentally damaging.

"Unit-00, take up shielding position immediately, protect the accelerator at all cost." Commander Ikari rarely bothered with the video channel, even less likely with the onset of retina burn.

"Understood, shield is in place." Rei had acted with seconds to spare. With a spike of energy, the Angel split in half, one colossal blue pyramid spinning faster and faster in mid-air, the other revolving slowly around its drill. As the top half rotated with ever increasing velocity the gap between the two grew larger, eventually exposing its blood-red core, pulsing with an orange glow brighter than the city it desecrated.

The Analytical Office of Meme Appropriateness, Earth Branch ranked the impending attack as a Category 5 for 'Shoop da Whoop' or similar derivatives. Upon lodging the proper request forms with its partner office, the Approval Office of Comedic Integrity, Sol Planetary System Management Branch, they received a rejection notice reading 'That meme died before Michael Jackson' in the Memo Section. Handing the situation over to the Oversight Committee for Getting on With the Story, the Analytical Office of Meme Appropriateness, Earth Branch reseted comfortably on their laurels, congratulating each other on a job well beaurocracy'd.

* * *

_..._

* * *

For those watching from the adjacent Mt. St. Stratos, the blast was loud.

For those experiencing the time-dilating effects of relativity, the blast was long.

For Shinji and Rei, the blast was everything.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Heat-resistant coating has caught fire." Said Keith the Technician.

"Support infrastructure has vaporised." Hyuga called in a panicked tone.

"LCL approaching boiling point, raising pressure density to compensate." Maya called redundantly.

"Unit-00 is suffering heavy damage to forward exterior armour, I am currently…unaffected." Though Rei wasn't technically being struck by the Angel's particulate strike, her mental bond with Unit-00 was causing her some consternation.

With a flash, a very long flash, the attack was abruptly over. In a hilarious display of what a fuckwit thinks is irony, the heat-resistant panelling taken from a discontinued space program was unable to withstand the sub-atomic bombardment. Rei dropped the half-melted slab to the half-melted ground, Unit-00 falling soon after into the mostly solid arms of Unit-01 (Shinjium, liquid at bitching temperatures, solid when charged with either end of the shounen spectrum: Angst [negative] and GAR [POSITIVELY EPIC])

"Rei! Rei, are you alright?"

"Angel…" Like a scene from a cheesily dramatic movie, Unit-00 raised a heavily damaged arm to point somewhere in the middle distance, in the direction of the lake.

"Stay still Rei, you're very badly inju-" Dr Akagi suddenly appeared on the screen of his sniping visor.

"There's no time Shinji! The 4th Angel is moving toward you, the 5th's extruding a giant A.T. Field, and we don't have time for you to put a bandage on Rei!" Dr Akagi's information must have been slightly old, or the Angel's were descended from an ancient ninja clan, because a recurring feature of Shinji's diurnal night terrors was looming over him.

**I AM ULTIMATE. I RETURN. YOU ARE END**

The Angel enforced its dominance with several slashing passes over Unit-01's brow and the G-Type sniping equipment attached to it. With a feral cry, Shinji gathered the muscle mass contained within 75 metres of cyborg deity and threw himself at the Angel. Extricating the arms on Unit-01 from beneath Unit-00, there were no obstacles between Shinji and a needlessly heroic death. Shinji couldn't hear the scream of tortured metal landing on screaming workers over the sound of blood blasting into his self-centred _train_ of thought.

_If I destroy the Angels, Father will have to like me_

_If I say something cool when I win, Rei will definitely notice me_

**THIS WAS DUMB, EVEN BY OUR STANDARDS**

_Shut up, aren't you supposed to be in France and oh fuck I stepped on the gun Father's going to be very mad_

Ramming 200*10^4 Newtons of force into the Angel, Shinji shouldered it down the glowing mountainside.

"I don't care how ultimate you are, in just a few minutes you're going to be the ultimate corpse!"

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Well now Kozou, it appears you _do_ know my son and his suicidal urges better than I do."

"Wherein lies my true victory is the knowledge that you-"

"Yes, Yes, I know. I stock Captain Katsuragi's liquor cabinet with whatever she may choose."

"We don't allow NERV apartments to have liquor cabinets, perhaps you meant her fridge?"

"Call it whatever you like, just let me get away with only stocking a shelf."

* * *

_..._

* * *

With Shinji's departure the Stationary Mobile Command Centre became a deafening blur of shouting various useful and/or obvious things.

"Unit-01 is moving to engage the 5th Angel in the city, 4th Angel in pursuit." True to his vague job description, Aoba was left yelling the non-specific but still applicable things that Katsuragi or Akagi may need to know. Hyuga and Ibuki, being Personal Aides, had no such uncertainties.

"Approximately 10 metres of the accelerator has broken off, a further 2 metres still attached but unusable." Hyuga thought for a moment, before appending 'gun broken, very bad' to his report.

"Unit-00 in position to fire, thermoceptors are shut down until surface layers are cooled." Ever helpful, Maya had taken an initiative with Unit-00 that paid off.

"And the sniping equipment?" Dr Akagi was obviously quite taken with the last-minute science she had done.

"Unit-01 has removed it somewhere along the lakeside; it also appeared damaged from attacks by the 4th."

Misato was left stunned and stupid in the face of all the science=words being thrown around, but she persevered.

"Can we get any more power into the rifle?" she even began miming two objects interlocking. "Can we plug in a huge battery or something?" As odd as it seemed, Rei had the easiest and closest solution.

"Dr Akagi, if the power from Unit-00's umbilical cable and certain Geofront vital functions were to be used to charge the rifle, it may take less time before it is ready to fire."

"What are you thinking Rei? You'd get maybe a one percent increase at best and shave less than 15 seconds off the charge time."

"Then it will only take four minutes 53 seconds at most. I will conserve battery power by minimising auxiliary functions."

"I repeat myself: what are you thinking, Rei? First Shinji, now you."

Rei began keying the controls lodged in her control sticks, preparing the explosives contained within the umbilical cable's interface section.

"Please excuse our poor behaviour, leprechauns took our brains on a taxi to France."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Shinji stood in the streets of a city he despised, protecting a father he didn't think it was possible to love, and all he could think was '_Did Rei notice that I was naked in the hospital earlier?'_

**YOU WILL FALL. OUR {MOON} SHALL RISE. WE ARE AS ONE**

Shinji could feel the will of his opponents force its way into his mind; they very clearly weren't just 'popping in for a chat'.

**WHY FIGHT. WE ARE SUPERIOR**

It wasn't like they were talking to him even, more as though each was forcing a way of thinking into his mind. The two Angels even had a distinct 'sound'. The previous one, the purple one, was condescending, loud and simple. The blue one had a quality to it that blasted into his mind and echoed there.

A thought occurred to Shinji then, related only tangentially to being naked in a hospital room with a good-looking girl.

"I fight for those who cannot fight for themselves. Those people stand behind me, supporting me every step on the journey to the death of you and all your kind." He blasted those words on every frequency of thought he knew and compensated for lack of mental frequencies by speaking aloud. The purple Angel seemed to hear him, because it stopped hovering in such a gloating way to, well, gloat more, but mentally/verbally.

**STAND BEHIND. [NOT] STAND BESIDE. YOU ARE ALONE**

**WE ARE NOT**

The mental reply Shinji received was twofold, first the purple Angel mocked him, then the blue Angel echoed its affirmation. Physically, each Angel made movements verifying its speech, though the purple Angel's contribution was a taunting wave of the freshly-grown glow-tacles. The attack from the blue Angel was more hostile, a rain of crystal spears flying at the ground below Unit-01's feet. Jumping to the side, away from the blue lances, Shinji rolled into cover behind one of the few non-retractable buildings left in the city. Finally reaching the end of his umbilical cable, Shinji remembered why he hadn't run for cover before as an operatic screech heralded another beam slicing through building and cable alike as though the Flaming Sword of Uriel through a kitten. Rolling back across to the other side of the street and beyond, Shinji snatched a fresh cable from the conveniently un-damaged Spare Umbilical Cable Dispenser and rolled back to his adversaries, wherein he met the previous, apparently unrealised predicament. The blue Angel seems unable to fire on him when either its A.T. Field is present or the other Angel is in the way, so if he keeps the 4th Angel consistently between Unit-01 and it then the most he'll deal with is a few crystals and _the tentacles are coming move move move_.

Reacting to prior experience, as the tendrils came lashing down he met them with the hands of Unit-01, set aglow by the clash of two awesome powers. Knowing that he had some small amount of time before the hands were rendered useless, Shinji sought to dominate the Angels with his own less than prodigious mental fortitude.

"Every light in this city and the country beyond were extinguished to help me. People I've never met, people I'll likely never know, they sacrifice the light of the modern world and trust me to to defeat you with it! I bear a message from the country of Japan to you: Get Fucked!" he drew the Angel in close, close enough that it couldn't use it's tendrils and so close that the much larger Angel wouldn't dare using any beams against him.

**NEVER MET. NEVER KNOW. WE KNOW EACH OTHER. WE ARE**

**NOT ALONE.**

Shinji screamed out of pure annoyance.

"This double act shit is really starting to shit me; I'm going to end it…" kicking the Angel back and letting go of its burning whips, he drew the progressive knife from the left pylon of Unit-01 and brought its point to bear on the purple Angel, "right here!" charging forward, Unit-01 moved too fast for the Angel to react properly, much less phase itself out of the current plane of existence. In fact, the soon to be violently deceased monstrosity barely managed to sever Unit-01's umbilical cable before it became violently deceased from purple skirt to clacking rib-legs and broken core. With his timer now counting resolutely down, Shinji didn't bother with the stock of witty quips and quotes from watching terrible action movies, settling for charging the remaining Angel with the body of its fellow still wrapped around his knife. The Angel screamed, both verbally and mentally, shifting form, flinging spears; but the body of the limp Angel was somehow impervious to all attacks. As the purple unicorn with the purple penis charged the blue octahedron, the blue Angel fired beam after beam at its foe, but that too bounced and flowed from the limply swaying back of God's Messenger and its attached Demon.

**WE WILL PUNISH. WE WILL DESTROY. WE WILL EXTERMINATE**

"Enough with the 'we'," Shinji cried, "I just killed you friend, meaning you! Are! Alone!"

**NEVER ALONE NEVER NEVER NEVER. YOU ARE ALONE. WE ARE NOT**

Something about the way the Angel kept repeating 'alone' was starting to make Shinji sad, it was almost as though the Angel knew about his sordid past and parental neglect. Shinji stopped being mad the more he thought about his father, eventually he just ended up mad. Grabbing the limp, now-grey tendrils with both hands, Shinji swung the dead Angel, knife and all, at the highest point on the Euclidean horror his swings could reach, bellowing insults and threats and mindless expulsions of rage. Before the macabre flail could reach its target, however, it met with a shimmering veil of orange hexagons, which Shinji supposed was good, he could insult and threaten his enemy more now. Battering away, he managed a few words for every swing of his new 'weapon'.

"I'm going to skullfuck you, your mother, your father and your fucking dog! Once I've killed you, I'll kill the next Angel that fucks with me! And the one after that! And I'll get so far I'm beating the almighty out of God himself! I'll stand there as He bleeds to death on His fluffy clouds! I'm gonna tell Him not to worry, because He's not alone! His buddy Shitdick, the Angel of Dying-Like-A-Bitch is gonna come help him out! That's you by the way! You're Shitdick!"

By the time he'd broken the Angel's A.T. Field he'd forgotten everything about communication equipment, the Stationary Mobile Command Centre and battery limit, but it all came rushing back to him when Misato began screeching in his ear.

"Get clear Shinji, the rifle's charged and you've got to get out of the blast radius before your battery runs out."

Checking the Handy-Dandy Giant Countdown Timer to his right, Shinji found that he had just under two minutes of battery power left; he thought it'd been longer, but time _had_ ceased all meaning while he'd been smashing away. Dropping the phallic corpse to the ground, Shinji turned Unit-01 on a purple and green foot and began to jog to the city outskirts.

**YOU CLAIM SUPERIORITY. YOU CLAIM ULTIMATE. YOU FLEE**

Shinji stopped at the end of the street, a kilometer to a normal human, less than 20 metres to an Angel or Angel-like being.

"I'm not running away, this is just how I'd like to deliver my message."

**MESSAGE?**

"Right now, for all your power, for all the destruction you can cause; you. Are. Alone."

**WE ARE NOT**

This voice was new, it made him feel like giggling at the end of the world and hugging the comfort of his mother. What followed the voice was far from comforting, as the blast of antimatter tore through the pulsating core with a sound like the death of the universe.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Deep below the Geofront, far below what NERV employees would define as the Geofront, is Terminal Dogma. The only thing unauthorised people will see of Terminal Dogma before being 'ushered out' into shallow graves is a Big Door. It is not The Big Door, because there are doors of roughly equal size in what the NERV manual calls 'the cages'. This particular Big Door can only be open with authorisation from Either the Commander or the SEELE council, so very few spies are afforded entry. The few that are are quickly left in a state of permanent shock due to what they are forced to see; a sea of blood-red water, waves crashing against jutting outcrops of rock and ice, stretching far beyond the limits of the chamber, possibly even to what's left of Australia. Some recognise this as an illusion, but fewer still are able to see what it hides. The blood-red water is instead orange, dripping from the legs protruding from the legs of the white giant nailed to the red cross in the centre of the pool of orange. There _is_ a section for human use, a strip of metal on metal equal in width to a single arm of the cross in length.

This is the domain of a god.

For the same reasons God allowed Man to kill his only son, this god has allowed Man to shackle its might beneath its home and and harness its power to Man's own ends. The god, however, did not become a god through being imprudent; in fact it became a god through simple chance of creation, but that is far from imprudence. Because of this god's prudence, deep within the Geofront, behind the Big Door in Terminal Dogma, under an illusion and yet still invisible to Man's gaze, lies the watcher. The watcher has no name, it is better to define it by what it does, or what is has been doing; for 20 years, a mere moment to the infinity of the gods, the watcher has slept. Now, as the children of gods do battle, as the god's body murmurs and writhes in a lake of its own blood, the watcher wakes. The watcher speaks in no language Man would ever recognise, it is so far beyond any understanding that it is almost comparable to the speech of the gods.

_And so the {cycle%{HUMANITY}#} returns to its roots, again and again. I do hope {he*{DESTRUCTION}!}'s worth all this trouble, Mother._

* * *

_..._

* * *

I got bored and hand-wrote this while away from the porn-device and came up with 9 pages of medium sized writing, so I figured I could stretch into 2 chapters. I forgot how to numbers, the only thing I thought at the time was that angst should have been positive. HIV positive! Amiright? Eh? Eh? You know, 'cos it's gay!


	10. Shingeki no Filler

"Ugh, smells of LCL…" Shinji jogged through the long, thin archway, sword strapped to his back and his short hair bobbing stiffly with his movements. Entering the room proper he spies a colossal worm-like creature attached to the ceiling by way of many pipes and hoses. "Ah," he says, "you must be the secret ingredient." The worm apparently had a functioning brain, limbs and a face, because it writhed and shifted at the sound of his voice, eventually thrusting its face in his direction.

"Who are you?"

"I'm your pilot you ugly sack of shit." Shinji spat his words with vitriol, this didn't seem like a Succubus at all. The worm flexed its bony, uncannily human and uncannily large arms, causing most of the pillars in the room to shatter and twist.

[WORMIEL]

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOOOOOUUUUU!?" The end of its sentence came out as a screech backed by an unearthly choral group, a choral group that apparently sprays lasers on the high notes. Shinji jumped to the side as the laser raked across the ground he had recently been standing upon.

"You missed." He said with a cocky strut, then continued: "My name, by the way, is Shinji."

Wormiel took a moment to paw at its mouth as though cramming the lasers back down.

"Shinji? Son of Gendo? And Yui the WHOOOOOOOOOOORRRREEEE?" Its efforts to contain the lasers was futile however, as they again burst forth.

"Yes. But you can call me Shinji the Seraphim-slayer. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

"You want to kill me? You can't kill me, I'm more than twelve hundred years old!"

"You don't look a day over twelve _thousand._" Shinji retorted.

"Fuck you!" Wormiel however, was determined to be the insult champion.

"Fuck you!"

"FUCK YOUUUUUU!"

* * *

_Boring Filler Chapter No. 2  
_

* * *

Ritsuko Akagi stood in the colossal chamber at the top of the NERV pyramid that served as the Commander's office. She'd recently been one floor below, assessing the damage dealt to the city by Shinji's battle; now she was reporting said assessment to her superiors.

"No serious damage was inflicted on any permanent infrastructure, though several people were killed by the attack on the positron rifle. Unit-00 is being refitted with new plating and the shielding is being recycled."

"Very good Doctor. And the Third Child?"

"Pilot Ikari is currently being held in a suppression chamber as a precaution against Angelic contamination; he will be released after a quarantine perio-"

"Will he be remaining in Tokyo-3 after the quarantine is lifted?"

"That question remains to be answered provided he is deemed clear of any contamination."

* * *

_..._

* * *

The light swung lower, nearly blinding Shinji with the sudden infusion of photons into the very Dark and Menacing room with Black Pillars inscribed with Arcane Markings. As he was to understand it, he was being held in this place because the Angels had spoken to him, though the reasoning behind what was clearly Magical Angel Suppressant Pillars was beyond his understanding of Science. No one had spoken to him after he had entered the room, no one had provided him food either, it was beginning to get somewhat ridiculous: He'd last eaten before leaving the city, not leaving the city, getting a laser to the face, lasering an Angel in the face and the like. Compounding the issue was the swinging light that seemed to get brighter every time he seemed ready to go to sleep, perhaps due to some arcane process embedded in its thaumaturgic origin as a Magic Angel Suppressant Light Bulb. He wasn't sure how long he had been kept in the room, nor how long he would reasonably be kept in the room, only that each Pillar throbbed with red energy every three seconds and each throb was one second in duration with 2159 throbs since he had begun counting at least one hour into his 'incarceration'.

Realising the situation would not improve unless he improved it, Shinji stood up out of the folding chair he had been sitting on and strode the three or so paces to the nearest Pillar and searched the corners of the room for the cameras he had searched for before. Satisfied that there was only one trained directly on this Pillar and any others must be well hidden, Shinji waved his arms out wide, calling out to whoever was watching.

"You've kept me here for three hours now, and if I don't get an explanation and a toilet sometime soon I'm gonna let fly on this thing here," jabbing a thumb toward the Pillar for emphasis "and it better be soon, I'm just about ready to burst here." Waiting for a few throbs and receiving no answer Shinji decided that 'The Man' was in need of some yellow vandalism. Turning his back to the camera Shinji opened his fly and began to release several hours of pent-up urine. Midway through the deed the hairs in the back of Shinji's neck rippled as a voice came crackling through speakers to give new life to his worse nightmares.

"Shinji, stop this right now so we can talk like sensible people, this isn't the kind of thing I want to report to the U.N." Hearing his father's voice mid-stream made him shiver, but not the shiver that feels sort-of-good as long as you don't miss the toilet, the kind of shiver that would normally cause one to lose control of both bladder and bowels simultaneously, luckily the lack of food for nearly 24 hours had already voided his intestines of significant matter. Coughing nervously, Shinji mustered himself for a reply.

"It's a little hard for me to stop _right now_, but if you give me a minute I'll be done." As strained as his voice made him sound, his brain was far from it; the brain of Shinji Ikari was so far from strained it had resolved the spectrum of emotions as a mobius strip and ended up somewhere in the region of 'Cthulhu Ftaghn'. It was good then, Shinji mused as he returned his fly to its upright position, that there were devices scattered around the room designed to annihilate eldritch presences. With a terrified mask of a face, Shinji turned to face the camera as his father's voice began to issue forth yet again.

"Pilot Ikari, will you confirm that you made communicative contact with the entities designated as the 4th and 5th Angel?"

_Communica-what? _Shinji thought, before realising this must be part of an Official Report, so everything anyone said had to be Official and exhaustively comprehensive. Third Child Pilot Shinji Ikari then realised that since everything Official is recorded footage of him urinating on classified NERV property will be viewed by most if not all of the U.N. Review Council, or whatever their name may be.

"Yes Commander, the Angels spoke to me using telepathic contact." Shinji wasn't sure how to word 'The cosmic horror spoke with its mind and I stabbed it to death.' in Official language without sounding like an out of work novelist, but he was pretty sure he had it wrong, but his father wasn't making an issue out of it.

"And after making contact with the Angels you responded verbally, why?"

"I wasn't sure how to respond with my mind so I spoke instead. It appeared to be an effective strategy so I continued in that manner." As he said more and more he realised how stupid it must all sound to an outside observer. 'Yes dad, after the alien started taking over my mind I beat it to death with a carcass I found lying around. No dad, I won't do it again, I've learned my lesson.'

"And after making contact with the Angels and you insulted it?"

"That is correct sir." Deeper and deeper Shinji sank, eventually chancing upon the wreck of the TORtanic in the ocean of stupid shit.

"What did the Angels say to elicit such a response? Please be as comprehensive as possible."

"They mostly tried to imply that I was inferior to them, actually I think that's all they said." And if you look to the left, Ladies and Gentlemen, you'll see the Marinara trench.

"You also abandoned your post as gunner to attack the Angels directly, severely damaging several million Yen worth of equipment. Were these actions driven by the contact with the Angels?" _This is definitely the point_, Shinji thought to himself. _There was a point when this sort of stuff should have stopped and I've clearly passed it_.

"That is also correct sir."

"I see." There was silence for a long while then, broken only by the regular throb of the Pillars; it might have been Shinji's imagination playing tricks on him, but he was certain the Pillar with the widening pool around it had a throb of a slightly different timbre than the rest. Eventually, 30.5 throbs later, the silence was broken once again by his father, still performing in his capacity as Commander of NERV.

"Will you continue to pilot Evangelion Unit-01?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Uh, is that a why do people defend humanity in general question, or specifically me?"

"Never mind then."

Everything went silent then, even the throbbing of the Pillars died away, the light began to dim and a door began to slide open out of nowhere.

* * *

_..._

* * *

As the sun rises over the plain, one can observe what seems from above a colony of ants, tens of thousands strong. It is in fact a massive grouping of Homo Sapiens, Humans if you prefer. This city, as it is called, miles across, contains not only Humans and their hunting grounds, but many small creatures that live alongside the Humans in a bizarre symbiosis. It may at first seem odd that so many other creatures are allowed to co-exist with a species that has a well-earned place as deadliest predator on the planet, but each creature has found a niche, a role to fill that ensures their survival. Take for example this single den, one of millions, with a mature female and juvenile male residing within. Also within the den is a male Hot-Spring Penguin the female brought to the den some time ago, being given food and relative comfort in return for remaining within the den at all times. Observe also the juvenile male, fellow inhabitant of the den and of slightly better standing than the Penguin. The male arrived in the den less than a month ago, but do not think for a moment that he is the female's chosen mate; even after reaching what this species determines as sexual maturity he has not won any mating rights whatsoever. The male appears to be part of a strategy from the female to use the increase in numbers to ward off much larger predators. This city their den is located in is based on the same idea at a much larger scale; it is such an important facet of life for these amazing creatures that they will seek out even so little as a single other to be with, even though they are still isolated. This idea is at work even in their day-to-day interactions with each other, even in how they eat their meals it is apparent. See here; the female, the undisputed den master, has offered a shared meal with a female from a nearby den. This second female, which is distinguished by her golden hair pattern, spent several of her juvenile years with the first female, before either had developed into full maturity; the two have developed a strong bond because of those years together.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Shinji wasn't sure why Dr Akagi was in the apartment, he wasn't notified of any plans in relation to Dr Akagi being in the apartment nor was he psychic enough to predict Dr Akagi being in the apartment. Lacking the interference of any paranormal perceptive abilities or any _normal _perceptive abilities the most likely explanation for Dr Akagi being in the apartment was in relation to his recent absence from said apartment and more recent return. It was on this assumption, then, that he based his interactions with the people in the apartment that evening.

"Now Shinji," Dr Akagi began, brandishing a small card, "we've reinstated your Pilot status and upgraded the security clearance for both you and Rei." Shinji reached over the low table to take the card, noting it was a slightly different colour than the previous card had been.

"Wait: 'Upgraded Security'? Does that mean I get to read Top Secret files or something?" Shinji wasn't hopeful or excited, just curious. Dr Akagi shook her head.

"Not exactly, but you _are_ the reason behind most of our Top Secret files if it makes you feel any better. To be honest I don't know why you get upgraded security when you don't need to know anything." Dr Akagi looked around melodramatically, then leant in close to Shinji's ear. "Just between you and me, I think it has something to do with the stink you caused with the bosses in the U.N."

Shinji jerked his head backwards, afraid of head-butting the woman in control of his un-castrated self.

"Bosses? I thought my father was his own boss, more or less."

Somehow, even Pen-Pen was able to think that was a stupid question, the combined gaze of two tipsy women and a penguin bearing down on Shinji, beating him into the purely metaphorical ground.

"Most of the time, that would be true, but for the other times, like now, be careful, is all I'm saying." Dr Akagi rose from the very low table in the sitting room to gather up her things, then turned back to Shinji with another card. "And if you could give this to Rei when you're at school tomorrow I'd appreciate it."

* * *

Since it turns out I'm quite shit at writing to a schedule, I'll be pushing the chapters out to one a month, or if the backlog is huge, one a fortnight. Most of this is due to upping my social links with people and wasting to much time being normal, but also partly because now it's getting into Not-Quite-Non-Canon-But-It-Deviates-From-The-Estab lished-Story sorta stuff, meaning I have to think and stuff like that.

I'll also take this opportunity to plug the Facebook page 'Otaku's Impact', apparently one of the admins likes to read this story in a Solid Snake voice, someone confirm this for me so I can make the appropriate references.


	11. Serial Experiments Rei

So who likes these boring filler chapters?

* * *

_I know I do! This one has 'Plot'!  
_

* * *

When Shinji returned to school the next day, he found little to be different from when he had first arrived, Toji and Kensuke were gathered around a single desk discussing boyish pursuits, Horaki was busy at the front of the class with some other girls on the roster for today and Rei was absent as per standard. Expecting Rei to be absent for the rest of the day, Shinji made his way to his seat next to Kensuke's, catching the eye of most of the class, Horaki included. Within moments of taking his seat he was dragged by the arm into the hallway by the claws of a harpy sent from the depths of Tartarus.

"You do realise you're just giving me _more_ work don't you? Now I've had to adjust the rosters _again_ to include you and now everyone will have to memorise a fourth roster!"

"Couldn't you just go back to the roster from when I first got here?"

"Because then I haven't accounted for you not being here! It's important that everyone is on the class roster an equal number of times and you've skipped out on two days in which you were rostered; do you understand the issue at hand now?"

With a nervous twiddle of his fingers, Shinji fell back on a tried and true method of remedying a situation as old as time itself: make shit up then run away from the shit you just made up.

"I understand that you may want to speak to a medical professional. Do you also happen to suffer from an oppressive need for tidiness?" Slipping out of Horaki's vice-like grip, Shinji dodged his way back into the class, spinning around to avoid desks and people, slamming himself into his chair hard enough to jolt his spine.

"Hey man, you alright? I mean, I know women can be scary at times and all, but you shouldn't throw away a good thing too soon, know what I mean?"

"Everything is quite alright Kensuke, I was merely having a discussion with Miss Horaki about the class roster during my absence, there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to question this fact if I am not at school tomorrow please contact NERV." Sitting ramrod straight, Shinji rapidly degenerated into frantic mumbling as the aforementioned Class Representative somehow slammed the sliding door into the classroom and stomped heavily to her seat with nary a glance to Shinji, though the idea of a shriveling flower was present in Shinji's mind as he crossed his legs in the moments before class began.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"And that, students, is how Tokyo-3 came to be following Second Impact, but what you _should_ have learned is that NERV is not to be messed with in any way shape or form, even if they want to shut down your weekly pathfinder game…" The teacher trailed off into mumblings about 'filthy 4th Edition race-traitors' as the bell rang and Horaki called out the end of the class. As soon as most of the class had gathered their bags to leave, Shinji was set upon by a small mob of people. With a 'Yo Shinji' this, a 'Hey man you should totally…' that. Just as he felt ready to suffocate, he was saved by a sharp yank at his collar, pulling him free of the heaving masses

"People please! If he dies then we're equally screwed, so shift yer shit before I kick yer shit!" With a puff of his chest, Toji managed to scare all of two people away, the rest seeing the reasoning behind his bravado and dispersing of their own accord. As Shinji was murmuring his thanks to his savior the bespectacled visage of Kensuke Aida began to intrude into his personal space. Thrusting a sheaf of handouts into his unsuspecting hands, Kensuke slid his glasses further up his nose and adopted a terrible Russian accent.

"Komrade Ikari, Glorious Leader Horaki commands that you deliver these top secret documents to Komrade Ayanami at the attached location. If you fail, the gulag will be the least of your worries."

Shuffling the papers into his bag Shinji departed the classroom through the rear door, not even looking at the still-irate Horaki, hunched over the as-yet-incomplete class roster. Actually exiting the school would appear to be difficult, however, as a much larger mob had converged on all entrances to the classroom, all just as eager as the last group had been. Seeing no way out barring the diplomatic approach, Shinji cried out "Official NERV business!" to all comers and shouldered his way through the crowd with the associated force of a drunk, three-legged llama. Sprinting from the school building with some people still chasing him, Shinji didn't hear his seldom-used, NERV-issued mobile phone beeping and buzzing away in his pocket, but he did see the MoNeSlMan standing just outside the school gate, somehow staring intently at him through sunglasses blacker than the suits the MoNeSlMen wore in the interminable summer. He also saw several more MoNeSlMen materialise from behind the first like a bizarre recreation of a matryoshka doll. Diving between a minuscule gap between two of the MoNeSlMen Shinji was pulled rather roughly into what seemed to be a car made from the same black cloth as the suit of its driver.

"Pilot Ikari, for your safety we will return you to your apartment building. We recommend you remain there for the rest of the day." Said driver seemed to have commissioned seat covers made from his jacket as well, because he was the only MoNeSlMan that was not wearing a black jacket made specifically to hide guns by absorbing every microgram of heat from the surrounding atmosphere.

Rummaging through his wallet, Shinji retrieved Rei's new card and waved it around aimlessly in the direction of the steering wheel.

"I was asked to deliver this to Rei, but she wasn't at school today, so I need to take it to her house along with these handouts from class."

With a sigh, the driver turned to face Shinji with a 500 Yen coin clutched in his hand.

"Tell you what: you call it as it falls; you lose, you go home like a good boy and we deliver those for you; you win, I'll drive you there myself and you deliver it in person." With a flick of his thumb, the MoNeSlMan flipped the coin into the air, where it seemed to hang for a moment before being snatched out of the air by Shinji.

"Giant robot." Buckling himself into the seat, Shinji sat back with a satisfied grin.

* * *

_..._

* * *

As the MoNeSlMobile got closer to Rei's apartment building, Shinji could see a dramatic increase in the number of decrepit, dishevelled or otherwise abandoned buildings. Quite frankly, he was astonished that his father would allow such buildings to remain in such a state in the city of the future. Even more astounding to Shinji was the idea that NERV Housing and Logistics would actually still be using the buildings to house employees, particular the Pilots of top-of-the-range Bio-Mechanoids built to defend Humanity. When they finally arrived at Rei's building, Shinji wasn't sure if they were in the right place.

"Um, are we in the right place? It's just that the only building here is _that_." Pointing the building out, Shinji noticed even more issues with its current state than before. Most of the upper levels had been forcefully removed, several floors were missing a walkway and the hazard tape across the entrance-ways didn't help with the overall aesthetic of the place.

"That's the one." The driver didn't even look to the building he was pointing at, so Shinji guessed that everyone in the security section had seen the decrepit apartment stack before.

It turned out that much of the 'safety measures' installed in the building were as defunct as the rest of the building; there was an open elevator shaft with no tape across it, the stairs which should have been removed were left to remove themselves and it seemed impossible for anything weighing more than 70 Newtons to traverse what stairs remained. Nevertheless, through some redistribution of physical laws Shinji was able to make his way up to one of the few floors that still existed. And still had a floor.

It also turned out that Rei felt secure enough living in such an area to leave her front door unlocked. Gently pushing the door in, Shinji rationalised it away on merit of there being no one else living in the area of their own accord. Standing in the entryway, he thought he could hear sounds somewhere that weren't a natural result of extreme decay, but he wasn't entirely sure. Looking around for a place to simply leave the handouts and card, Shinji saw that the letterbox was stuffed full of past handouts and letters. Perusing the various(read:four or so) surfaces and alcoves he could place the items, Shinji saw that they were all of some description full or otherwise unsuitable. The kitchen bench was covered in unopened microwave meal packets, the small table beside the bed had a lamp on it, the bed was just impolite, the floor was covered with underwear and a school uniform and the _other_ table beside the bed had glasses of water and a pair of glasses on it. His curiosity piqued, Shinji looked further, noting that the glasses were the same as his father used to wear before he began wearing the amber lenses that were his current style. As he went to pick the glasses up to investigate, a voice called out behind him.

"Who's there?"

Glasses still in hand, Shinji turned to see Rei, dripping wet and naked, stepping out of a side passageway that he assumed to lead to the bathroom. Shinji wasn't sure why his first thought was of where the bathroom was, not why Rei was seemingly comfortable with him seeing her naked. A major puzzle was why she was so overprotective of the pair of glasses he held, since she seemed, for the first time since Shinji had met her, to be angry. Still naked, without even a towel around her, Rei practically stormed across the short distance to Shinji, reaching out to the glasses Shinji held. With a yank, Rei pulled them from his hands, pushing him out of the way with the other to put the glasses back on the table. As Rei's attention left him, Shinji decided that now would probably be a good time to stop looking at the wet, naked and still slightly soapy fourteen year old girl, but many parts of his brain, Rational Frontal Cortex included, said it was definitely the best thing to do and that he should keep doing it. Moving back slightly, Shinji muttered "Quiet you." in the general direction of his pants.

"Did you say something?" Rei had already put the glasses back on the table, almost reverently, and had just turned to go back to the bathroom for a towel.

"Nevermind, just, uh, talking to my penis is all." Surprised he had said that aloud, Shinji's throat muscles clamped down on each other as soon as they were done pushing air over his vocal chords.

"I see. I was not aware the male genitalia was capable of speech." Rei had apparently abandoned her Quest for A Towel because she just stood there in the middle of the room facing away from Shinji.

"It isn't."

_Shut up brain, you're making this worse for the both of us._

**THERE IS ONLY ONE OF 'US', YOU ARE ME AS I AM YOU**

_You shut up too._

"I see." Rei returned to her Quest as she turned the corner into the bathroom. Taking a towel from just inside the door, Rei began to dry herself off, as Shinji stared resolutely at the ceiling, despite the best interests of many portions of his brain, Jungian Psychoanalysis included.

**REI LOOKS PRETTY GOOD FROM BEHIND, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?**

_Shut up already, you show up at the worst times._

**YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO TAP THAT**

_Shutupshutupshutup!_

**YOU'RE GOING TO TAP THAT SO HARD THE NEXT MAN TO PULL YOU OUT WILL BE CROWNED KING OF ENGLAND**

_What does that even mean?_

Shinji's thoughts were interrupted by his phone vibrating wildly, as though his pocket were home to a miniaturised Michael J. Fox. Taking it out of his pocket and flipping it open, he barely remembered that this would be an official call from NERV and that he should act accordingly.

"Pilot Ikari speaking."

"Did you, at 1530 today, attempt to threaten a member of your security detail?" the voice on the other end of the line was surprisingly monotone, managing to convey only the information required and the immense feeling of displeasure.

"Could you explain that?"

"Come to headquarters. Now." Abruptly, as though the phone had run out of power, the call was over. Flipping the phone shut and returning it to his pocket, Shinji saw that Rei was now dressed in her school uniform as though she had been at school all this time and had only just returned home. Rei was in the entranceway putting on her shoes when she seemed to remember that Shinji existed.

"Thank you for bringing me the handouts Shinji." Rei didn't bother smiling, or even acknowledging his existence past that, she simply turned away from him and began walking out the door. Perplexed, Shinji managed to stand in one spot by Rei's bed before he realised he didn't want to be locked into the decrepit apartment alone.

"Wait!" he called, dodging out of the doorway just as it was closing. "You forgot your card."

"I see. Thank you." Without even looking him in the eye, Rei took the card and left.

It was almost eerie, how Rei was practically ignoring him, especially after the operation to defeat the latest Angels; Shinji felt that after what had happened, they should be at least a little bit closer, friendship-wise.

"Rei, if I've done something wrong, please tell me." For what seemed like the billionth time that day, Shinji watched as Rei stopped walking, turned slightly and answered him.

"You have not. Because of you, I feel… different. I feel good. Thank you."

* * *

_..._

* * *

Is it just me or is it hard to make Rei emote without her sounding like Yuki?

Serious note: if you feel in some way offended by anything this fanfiction contains, feel free free to lodge a complaint through any official channels. You can reach me at fakeaddress

also note, the next chapter is like 5000 words. Like holy fuck, I just, I don't know.

say it with me now.

Ho.

Lee.

Fuck.


	12. Shipping Containers

BAD IDEA TO EDIT CHAPTERS WHILE DRUNK, HAVE THIS BACK

MAIRY OUT!

A series of short love-snippets about Shinji & Friends Sexventures in the world of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Because I really shouldn't have written this on a Christian Imageboard, I'll be censoring words such c_t, v_a, p_s, c_k and the like or outright replacing them with m_d and l_y c_e. Actually, those are pretty lewd too, so I'll censor m_d and l_y c_e retroactively. So enjoy a special week-late Capitalist Bullshit Day edition of Just Another Evangelion Fanfic!

* * *

_Somewhere in Hitlerville_

* * *

"Are we really doing this Asuka?" Shinji reached across the bedspread to take Asuka's hand, but she just shooed him away.

"We don't have to be, stupid, but I want to do this, and so do you. So let's do it." Placing a hand over his chest, Asuka pushed him into the bed.

"But what about if Misato comes home, or if Rei finds out, or my father?" Asuka silenced him with a kiss that lasted until Shinji was blue in the face.

"Then we'll have to be extra careful to be extra quiet, Dummkopf. So saying Asuka took his throbbing m_r in hand and jiggled it around like an antique video game controller. "Now no talking, or I squeeze _really_ hard."

"Please do."

As they slept in the afterglow of love, Asuka had niggling thoughts in the back of her mind.

_Why am I fucking this idiot? I don't even like him._

_I just read his dossier this morning, and now I'm screwing his brains out in my room._

_BBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNN NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!_

"UNSINNSCHEIßE!"

* * *

_NERV Headquarters, Tokyo-3_

* * *

You know, Misato, we can stop doing this any time, just let me know-"

"Shut up and fuck me, you long-haired stud. Fuck my purple p_y till I bleed from my ass." Misato leaped at Shigeru with such force he was knocked from his chair. When he hit the cold Headquarters floor he was jolted awake.

"You OK Aoba? You fell asleep at your terminal then jumped out of your chair. The fuck were you dreaming about?"

"Sex, if you must know."

"You must be into some kinky shit."

"Shut up Hyuga."

* * *

_Also NERV Headquarters, Tokyo-69_

* * *

"Dr Akagi, can I call you Ritsuko from now on?"

"Only when we're alone, like this. When we're at work I'm still your superior." Ritsuko reached under Maya's jacket to feel her b_t, rolling her small b_m in the palm of her hand.

"We're at work right now though."

"Then I guess I'm your superior. So, me first." With a mischievous grin, Ritsuko unzipped the side of her skirt and shucked the bottom half of her attire onto the floor. Maya stood to attention, skirt akilter, jacket off one sleeve. "Yes Ma'am!" and she went to work.

* * *

_…That wasn't a dream, BWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_

* * *

"So Kaji, you're really fine with this as a threesome?"

"As long as it's with you, Misato, it's alright."

"Even the part about Hyuga?"

"He's a handsome young man, with youthful vigour. Can't say I like his haircut,"

"HEY!" Hyuga was busy preparing in the bathroom, but the door was open.

"But other than that, I'm fine with any spit roast as long as I'm one of the skewers." Misato suddenly thought of something, and yelled out to Hyuga in the bathroom. "Don't forget to wake up Makoto!"

"FUCK!"

* * *

_Fuyutsuki's Office, Geofront Pyramid_

* * *

"Think of the scandal Kozou, an accredited University Professor screwing a lowly Doctor like me."

"Don't worry about a thing like that, it's just you, me and Mr Vrrrrrrrrrrr."

"Mr Vrrrrrrrrrrr?"

"Of course, Mr Vrrrrrrrrrrr's been a good wingman for this sort of thing." Fuyutsuki reached into one of his desk drawers and withdrew the aforementioned Mr Vrrrrrrrrrrr, waving the large black v_r in the air.

"You've been with me through thick and thin, haven't you Mr Vrrrrrrrrrrr?" Fuyutsuki began flicking the on/off switch repeatedly, performing a bizarre ventriloquist routine.

"Shut your stupid science-hole and shove that thing in me."

"If you say so Naoko." Fuyutsuki left Mr Vrrrrrrrrrrr on permanently this time as he went to work. As he went to insert his old friend into Naoko's l_y c_e, her v_a let loose a small gust of trapped wind. As the tiny q_f passed over Mr Vrrrrrrrrrrr, the pitch and timbre seemed to change, till it seemed to Kozou and Naoko like a bizarre instrument.

"BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !"

* * *

_One more and I summon DiCaprio's character from Inception_

* * *

"Don't worry Rei, I'll try not to be too rough."

"It is your first time too, I assume our mutual inexperience will prevent too much ill will between us."

"If you say so. Well then, I'm putting it in."

"You are forgetting something Shinji." This caused Shinji to pause. _Condoms? Lubricant? Foreplay?_

"What is it, Rei?"

"It all comes tumbling down, Shinji."

As Shinji became aware of the orangeness around him, he also became aware of Rei emerging from roughly where his p_s should be.

* * *

_Free Rei-p_s for everyone!_

* * *

Shinji slowly removed the mask over her face, revealing her nostrils, set in a protruding forehead bulge with no nose.

"So Shinji?"

"Yes, Eva?"

"Ever wanted to fuck your mother?"

"I don't think that's something I should ever feel like doing."

"Too bad. I am your mother."

And then Shinji was Lilim, the end.

Shinji woke up screaming in a cold sweat. He looked around to confirm what he saw was real, patting himself down. When he reached his crotch, he found the crux of the matter at hand.

"What the fuck p_s, you're not supposed to do that right now."

* * *

_Nagato isn't exactly correct_

* * *

"What the hell was that Nagato?" Kyon had just witnessed a series of events that were almost as messed up as the ones he'd lived.

"That is a sub-universe generated by the Data Integration Thought Entity to investigate possible time-lines in which the abilities present in Haruhi Suzumiya did not exist in her. A being was eventually formed similar to the Data Integration Thought Entity, capable of simulating its own possible time-lines. It had developed aberrant programming previous to its genesis and misused its abilities. In an attempt to satisfy a single human being, it diverted the entirety of its processing ability to produce alternate time-lines in which the individual was the focus. To facilitate this, it reduced all of the remaining lifeforms on the planet into pure electro-magnetic waves, creating a being able to make simulated time-lines a reality. Eventually, all humans were allowed to exit the simulation should they be able to identify what is 'self' among the rest of humanity."

"So wait, this thing makes alternate realities just for one kid? All because of aberrant programing related to emotions?"

"Correct."

"Are you that being?"

"I do not know. There is the possibility that the being created our timeline that contains Haruhi Suzumiya, and we are simply unable to tell the difference."

"What? You mean that either that universe is simulated by the Data thing and was just a dream to me, or that thing made our universe and is letting us think that its just a simulation? That's some bullshit right there, how can we tell the difference?"

"That is a correct summation of what I just said. If certain people and events between the two possible originating universes are demonstrably similar then it can be inferred that there is a greater link than was previously defined."

"People? Like how you and that blue hair girl were similar? And that wimpy kid is sorta like me?" Kyon's mini-tirade was interrupted by his sister.

"Kyon-kun! Denwa!" Kyon reached over for the phone, not expecting the conversation to start as it did.

"Hello?"

"WAAAZZZUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!"

"Hey Koizumi."

"But I'm Kaoru."

"NAHN DAH TOH?"

"Just kidding man. Or am I? BWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"Fuck off Koizumi."

"Later sweetie."

* * *

...

* * *

How much of that is actually canon?

How many of you care?

Stay tuned for the next chapter, with plenty of fanservice!

* * *

_Oh Mr Nagisa, a Fanfiction_

* * *

"Shinji-kun, I am home now. And I am looking so handsome and also my plug suit opened?." *ripple*

"Oh Mr Nagisa, ooooohhhhh!" *swoon* "Let's do it."

"Yes. And I shall leave my A.T. Field on." *gaze*

_Meanwhile, in a 20 mile radius of the event._

NERV uniforms ripping!

Maya turning straight! "Oh Mr Nagisa!"

It was amazing.

Tumbling Down.

* * *

_Yeah that wasn't canon. BWWWWWWWAAAAAAA-I'll stop that now._

* * *

"SIMON! BREAK THROUGH THE HEAVENS WITH YOUR DRILL!"

"I can't do that! And my name's not Simon, it's Shinji."

"Don't be like that little bro. Believe in the me that believes in the you that wants to try anal!"

"What?"

"I said, I'll show you a Giga Drill Breaker you won't soon forget."

"Uuuuhhh Mr Kamina, I think I'm going to need an adult."

"I am an adult; just how the hell do you think I am?"

"A rapist?"

"Correct."

* * *

_I'll stop now._

* * *

Step 1: Go to 's Browse function

Step 2: Select series of your choosing, filter by Teen rating or higher.

Step 3: Press ctrl+f, type in character from that series.

Step 4: Find the most ridiculous pairing possible.

I just found SimonxViral prison rape, ViralxLordGenome and ViralxKamina, I'll be over here with the blunt-force-trauma applicator.

* * *

This is the most poorly written sex I can stomach for one fanfiction. ShinjixRei approaches!


	13. Pacific Rimjob

No seriously guys, I think Pacific Rim may be referencing mecha anime _just_ a bit

* * *

**[Insert Requisite 'Lonely Island' Joke Here]**

* * *

"I really don't see why I have to come with you to meet the new pilot, it's not like I have any say in things anyway." It was already getting hard to talk, and they hadn't even gotten close to the helicopter. Somehow, NERV's helicopter hangar was underground, far away from the sky over Tokyo-3. The helicopter chosen for today rose out of the ground outside the city in a similar fashion to the delivery of an Eva, rotors already spinning up for take off.

"You're coming because I'm going anyway, and I feel you should get to know her before you start fighting Angels together." Misato was raising her voice at the same rate the helicopter was, but she was still unreasonably close to Shinji's ear.

"Then why do we need Kensuke and Toji?"

"Because I said you could bring friends."

"Oh yeah."

"For the savior of all mankind, you're as thick as a brick."

"You're not too great either Toji."

"Shut up Kensuke."

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Amazing! That's the carrier group for _Over the Rainbow_! And over there is the _HMAS Crikey!_, there's hardly any southern hemisphere ships in the U.N. Fleet and this section has loads! I don't think I want t-"

"Yo, Shinji, pass me that first aid kit will ya? Kensuke's frothin' at the mouth." Reaching behind Misato to retrieve the cross-marked kit, Shinji noticed Misato was struggling to hold back laughter at Kensuke's general ridiculousness.

"Perhaps it was a bad idea to let Aida have the window seat."

"Why didn't you ask Rei to come?" At that, Misato adopted a weary expression, as though the very idea of Rei being on a boat was immensely boring.

"We had to leave at least one pilot behind in case of an attack. I chose to leave Rei behind because I figure you'll get along better with the new pilot better." Her explanation sounded like it had been drilled into the very core of her being, which knowing his father, sounded very likely

"Then what about Kensuke?"

"I don't know, but I vote we toss him overboard in an 'accident'." Misato switched suddenly from her bored face to a wicked grin.

* * *

_..._

* * *

It seemed, to Shinji, that it took hours of Kensuke-frothing agony for the helicopter to land. To Kensuke, it was single, bubbling instant of pure bliss before Toji punch-suscitated him back to he land of the moderately less clinically insane. As the rear door of the helicopter swung down, the first person to step off was not Misato or Shinji, but Toji, following on the heels of his oddly striped hat.

"It was a gift from my sister." Toji had said.

"Does a hat have heels?" the Author pondered.

"Stomp!" said the flat-soled shoes of the red-haired girl in the yellow sun dress.

"Woosh." Said the wind.

**MEH. REI'S LEGS ARE BETTER **said Shinji's interloping subconscious.

"I suppose they don't really have heels." And with this revelation, the Author realised the fundamental hopelessness of life and stabbed himself to death with a fruit knife. As he lay bleeding, the mere thought of Rei's legs gave him the strength to cast Curaga.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"And that's the viewing fee." With a firm nod, the angry red-haired girl returned her hands to her hips, the merest twitch of her left pinky telling of her readiness for the next gust of wind. Nursing a red cheek, Toji tried to defend himself against the feminism radiating forth like a bad fart.

"But why? I didn't do anything intentional, so don't blame me."

"You're a man, aren't you? You liked what you saw so you get charged a bargain price. Unless, of course, you're like that girl back home who just _looks_ like a man." The girl was almost sniffing Toji for any feminine qualities, otherwise how could it be reasonable for her to stand so close to him? Toji seemed to take great offense at this, because he cried "I have a man's face, and I am a man!", undid his belt and dropped his pants to the deck of the _HMS Tea & Crumpets_.

This seemed to earn Toji a viewing fee plus tax, as the girl punched him even harder this time. Misato, deciding to act later rather than sooner, took this as her cue to introduce the girl to the boys, and vice versa.

"This young lady here is-"

"I can introduce myself, Misato." Taking up what could only be described as a pose, the girl puffed out her chest with pride. "I am Asuka Langley Sohryu, the Second Child and pilot of the Production Model Evangelion, Unit-02." Pushing Toji aside with a hand, she continued.

"And since they wouldn't let Short Round anywhere near an Eva if he was the last person on Earth, that means that one of you two fools must be the other pilot. So, is it you, Rambo?" She pointed to Kensuke, with his sleeveless jacket covered in useless pockets. Misato cut her ranting short, however, by placing a hand on Shinji's shoulder and shoving him forward to over balance and nearly fall onto Asuka. However, Shinji was quite happy to assert that his life was not in any way similar to those shows that his cousin would watch from before Second Impact and thus the laws of probability were not inbred mouth-breathers that would bend over backwards to ensure that whenever a teenage boy fell over there would always be some inconveniently sexual position to land in (or on). As a result of profoundly normal laws of probability, Shinji managed to recover in a single step and a girly 'waah!', with only a modicum of dignity lost. Asuka seemed to find great mirth in the way Shinji moved, or perhaps she just found him _immensely_ worthy of ridicule in any situation.

"You? You're telling me, Misato, that you entrusted the defense of Tokyo-3 to _him_?" Apparently that was the sole reason Asuka found his actions funny, she simply couldn't believe that he was the Third Child. "He's scrawny, he whines like a girl, and I don't think he's any better than Short Round." With a sly smirk, Misato came to Shinji's defense. To Shinji, this was just as well, because he had learned, from living with Misato, that an argument with a woman was not to be won by having a penis.

"Despite his _many_ flaws and whatever you have to say on the matter, he's till got a higher kill-count than you do, and it's too windy for me to argue at the moment, so I'm going inside."

* * *

_..._

* * *

After a round of proper introductions between the gathered children, Misato bustled her way to the main bridge of the ship to discuss handover signage with the fleet captain, Commodore Karen Moore, formerly of the E.U. Navy. She hadn't been happy to, as she had put it, 'babysit a child and her toy', and she was even less pleased with Misato's demands for an improvised umbilical cable to be fitted and attached to the ship's reactor. Even worse, Misato seemed to take it for granted that the Commodore would capitulate to her every demand, even the one for a strip club to be built in the main mess hall. While technically the strip club wasn't an official NERV request, it was just a really useful thing to have around. Responding with great umbrage, as was her right, the Commodore was quickly denied any privilege to be angry as Misato reminded her of the status Commander Ikari held with the higher ranks of the U.N.

"I get given Top Secret dispatch orders to Japan, then get lumped in with the girl, who by the way is treating my ship as her playground, and you expect me to just power up the fucking robot at sea?" waving her hands in front of her, Misato wildly fended off the Commodore, a woman potentially more angry than she could ever be.

"It's actually just there as a precaution, since we have no indication of when or where the next Angel is going to atta-"

"AND THE STRIP CLUB?"

"That was mostly just to see how far I got before you said no. Since you didn't call bullshit on the jet ski armada, I figured that uh… you had no issues."

"There are issues! There are lots of issues!" the Commodore began to trail into incomprehensible vitriol, but Toji's conversation continued undaunted, whispered to Kensuke and Shinji on his left and right.

"Yo, you think that Asuka chick is some kind of demon? There's no way she belongs to the same gender as a babe like Misato." Kensuke put forth his own conjecture, concealing his mouth with his ever-present camera.

"It's possible that she's an agent of the Angels, sent to destabilise NERV HQ." Shinji, somehow the voice of calm and reason in this situation, began his own hypothesis.

"She's entirely human, and not in any way the embodiment of various Hellspawn sent to bring ruin to our world. She's probably just the reincarnation of that Hitler guy."

"Hitler?" Toji whispered, a bit louder than was necessary. "You mean the guy that lost World War Two, right?" True to all the mean looks he got for his attitude, Toji barely paid any attention at school.

"We lost that war too, you know." Kensuke interjected, not even the slightest bit annoyed that he had not been alive back then, amongst all the Leman tanks and Imperial soldiers.

"Come now boys, don't feel bad about the war. No use crying over spilt nukes, as they say." Asuka had managed to sneak up behind the trio, her interest piqued the moment Toji mentioned Hitler. As the boys stared at her in shock, she saw someone standing by the door to the bridge and skipped her way over.

"Literally Hitler?"

"Literally Hitler."

"Hello there Kaji!" When Asuka made her way over Commodore Moore noticed the intruder too.

"Mr Kaji, please refrain from inviting yourself onto my bridge. I refuse to let you civilians dominate my ship, now get out!" Seeing the man, Misato began to seethe with rage, a rage so potent that many an Elder One had failed the required nat21 sanity check. As the waves of wrath passed over him, the man gulped quite audibly and retreated behind the doorway.

"I'm going to head over to the mess hall if you need me." Turning to go in the most nonchalant fashion, he waved to Misato and the cowering children. "Come on, the food doesn't cost anything, but feel free to consider it my treat."

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Sooooo, Mr Kaji, you're Misato's old boyfriend?" With Misato's breath heating his neck, Shinji was choosing his words _very_ carefully. Somehow, Kaji had recovered from his earlier apprehension on the way down to the mess hall, twisted ear notwithstanding, and was grinning from ear to ear at Shinji's nervousness.

"Yeah, we met in college at a party, angling for cheap beer and cheaper women."

"Women?" Toji, Kensuke and Asuka cried out in unison. It seemed that the stereotypical sheltered Christian upbringing spread from America, across to Europe, through Asia Minor and up to Japan.

"Well yeah." Kaji shrugged, his eyebrows twitching; betraying his incredulity at their incredulity. "It's practically a major part of becoming a woman to try things with other women."

Asuka looked on with a face of beatific enlightenment, at least until Misato pulled Kaji backwards over his chair by his ponytail. Near breathless through laughter and fear, the wannabe womaniser managed to force out a weak "I take it back, you don't have to do that to become a woman." Planting a pointy-heeled foot over Kaji's neck, Misato began to to prompt him with a long, slow, violence-implying "And…?"

"You never tried any of that stuff either in college, we met in an economics lecture and we were both totally sober!"

"Good, good. You shouldn't lie around such young children, you'll set a bad example that they'll carry all through their lives and beyond."

"What you did try back in college, is flashing your underwear to me like you are right now." Misato forced more weight onto her foot, gradually cutting off Kaji's air supply.

"Look away children." Her voice was strained with rage, fists clenched hard enough to whiten her knuckles.

"Why?"

"Because if nobody sees me murder this insignificant little shit of a man, then I don't have to ask you for help getting rid of the body."

"Um, Ms Katsuragi," Kensuke raised his hand, camera and all, as though he was still in class, "I don't think alibis work like that." As Misato sighed in disappointment at Kensuke's reality-check, Kaji grabbed her by the ankle and tipped her over. Misato didn't fall elegantly, but rather she fell with one knee on Kaji's lungs and the other mere centimetres from his crotch. With a winded, yet deep, chuckle, Kaji lauded her efforts to rekindle their romance.

"I can see why you regret leaving me, but you don't need to hide it behind this veil of antagonism, you can be honest with your feelings, and with me." Taking Misato by the hand, Kaji was moving in for a kiss before she moved in quicker for a head butt. Crawling to her feet, Misato brushed herself off and returned to her seat without even kicking Kaji before he rose. Kaji was significantly slower to rise than Misato, eventually settling into his chair with a look of sarcastic admonishment at Shinji.

"I thought for the Big Hero, saving lives was easy; why didn't you save me?" Asuka looked on with an evil glint in her eyes as Shinji wilted under the misunderstood ribbing.

"I'm not really a hero." Shinji muttered this, lowering his head.

"Come on, little Ikari. Do I really need to start listing your criteria?" Holding a hand out in front of Shinji, Kaji began to count them off. "One: you pilot a giant robot against monsters out to destroy the world." With one raised eyebrow, Kaji seemed to be waving the evidence right in front of Shinji's face, which was half true, he was waving a hand _representing_ the evidence in front of him. Shinji for his part shrugged with an odd look on his face, managing to convey an 'I suppose'.

"Two: you were at first reluctant to do so, but upon seeing a heavily-injured young girl you changed your mind." Unsure of exactly how that was in any representative of his actions, Shinji was sent reeling when Asuka slammed her hands down onto the table.

"Hang on a minute, does that mean I'm not a hero? There were no girls like that back in Germany for me to agonise over." Seeing her so flustered seemed to be humourous to exactly 25% of the current male population, because Kaji began his deep-throated chuckle _again_.

"You're a different kind of hero, Asuka. You had already decided to be a hero, any heavily-injured girls in our future will be a test of character." Hearing this, Asuka sat back down with a smug grin directed at Shinji.

"Three, the most important number for you; after doing your best to save said heavily-injured girl, she begins to fall for you." The previously apathetic Kensuke suddenly jumped in his seat and stared at Shinji when he heard that.

"You've known Ayanami for like a month, and you've got her falling for you?"

"I don't think tha-" Shinji began to protest, but was cut off by Toji throwing his arm around his shoulder and pulling him in close.

"You gotta tell me your secret to gettin' with chicks, man. Just think: you, the valiant savior of mankind and me, your, uh, stalwart companion who stands beside you every step of the way. The Lady-Killers of Tokyo-3." Shinji tried to extricate Toji's hand from his shoulder, but was unsuccessful due to the interference of Kensuke on his other side.

"I don't 'get' with 'chicks', I don't even think Rei likes me that way."

Kaji continued to chuckle. "I didn't mean it _quite_ like that. Here, allow me to elucidate." Reaching into his pocket, Kaji withdrew a small black device and placed it on the table with no preamble or fanfare.

"Kaji, is this what I think it is?" Misato gave the device a leery look, switching her gaze from Kaji to the device intermittently. The thing was the size of a fat, boxy finger; black and shiny, it sat on the table without moving.

"Why yes, Misato, yes it is." Pointing at the device with a finger, Kaji hovered over the play button ominously. "This is the highlights reel from that time we spent all week in bed, just making love."

"Hey!" Misato yelled, slapping Kaji right in the stubble. "Not in front of the children." She whispered loudly afterward.

"Okay, okay!" Kaji threw up his hands in surrender. "It's a recording from after the latest operation versus the Angels. You know Shinji: that one where you started swearing at the enemy of mankind while bludgeoning it with the body of its dead comrade." Kaji's voice raised near-questioningly as he finished speaking, but Shinji was already too embarrassed to think. He knew what Kaji was talking about, he just hadn't figured that it had been recorded.

Kaji began to wave his hand about as he 'reminisced' about Shinji's recent past. "Oh and let's not forget the first time you ever fought an Angel, where you battered it to death with a chunk of its own ribcage."

Asuka began to talk over Kaji, reaching for the small device.

"Stop being silly, Kaji! Play the thing already, I want to hear it." Slapping a hand down onto the device, Asuka managed to only hit the play button with her rampaging fingers. The device lit up, re-engaging several sleeping functions. Eventually, after almost a minute of tense waiting, Kaji was able to navigate to the file he had intended to open from the start.

_File 'Shinji_the_Player' is not compatible with this nTunes device. Convert 'Shinji_the_Player' to NP3 format?_

Hitting yes treated the group to a progress bar crawling across the screen, easily outpaced by Zeno's Paradox.

"I know I shouldn't talk about my employers behind their backs, but I think everything out of NERV America either explodes, or takes ages loading up a progress bar and _then_ blows up."

As if simply to prove contrary, the barely complete progress bar shot over to the far end and faded to a set of jagged lines and white noise.

* * *

_..._

* * *

First there was silence, then the quite sound of crunching dirt crackled through the tinny speakers. Shinji cringed further as the crunching was replaced by a loud, hollow banging sound.

"_Ayanami! Are you alright in there?_" There was a creaking sound as what Shinji knew to be the emergency hatch of the entry plug was forced open, then a hiss of rapidly vapourising LCL as the pressure inside the tube dropped. Everyone at the table heard the hollow clanging as the Shinji of a week ago stepped half-into the entry plug, then the voices distorted by the same echo.

"_You don't just reveal a deep and personal thing like some 'internal conflict' then do a mission like this, it makes me worry._" Asuka and Toji looked across at Shinji, suspicious of these things called 'feelings', while Kensuke cocked one ear closer and closer to the speakers. Kensuke proved to be some sort of prophet, as the audio appeared to cut out around this point. With a questioning look to Kaji, Asuka began to lean back in her chair; Kaji just waved her suspicions away with a smug "there's more". It was true, the recording hadn't stopped, the noises being made were just very quiet. The 'silence' continued for a few more seconds until what Kaji considered the main attraction occurred.

"_Why are you crying? I don't think that's the correct emotion for this kind of situation._" The 'snrk' came first from one side, then the other. Shinji finally looked up to see Asuka, brought to a breathy whisper of "Crying? Really?". Shinji returned to shrivelling into his seat. Kaji was beginning to bend over backwards in his chair in silent laughter when the Rei in the recording began to speak after a further silence.

"_Though, I don't know what kind of emotion I should be feeling right now._"

"_You know, you could try smiling._"

"You got her to smile? Ayanami never smiles!" For some reason, amongst giant purple robots and alien gods, Kensuke found the most surprising thing to be the idea of Rei smiling.

"Well apparently, for our Little Ikari, the Big Hero, she does." Kaji had read the file on Rei as a requirement and was aware of her penchant for expressionless-ness. The voices in the recording went silent, just the swishing of LCL, then the crunching of some more dirt. Yawning theatrically, Toji cemented his attachment to Shinji's shoulders.

"This get any better?" with the last of his tiny reserves of courage, Shinji unlaced Toji's hand from his shoulder and stood resolutely on his feet.

"No. It doesn't get any better, and we should all go outside and ignore Kaji forever." Pushing his chair away from the table in his haste, Shinji left the mess hall.

* * *

_..._

* * *

Toji and Kensuke found him out on the deck less than ten minutes later. Racing over to him, they adopted poses of swooning romance.

"Oh Ikari-kun~, please resolve my internal conflict!" Toji cried, one hand to his forehead, ready and willing to swoon at a moments notice.

"Please Ayanami-san, call me Shinji." Kensuke began to rub shoulders with Toji, his hands clasped tightly, resting them on his other shoulder. The two over-enthusiastic boys began to inch their way closer to Shinji, wiggling their hips as they went. Shinji inched his way further down the railing in the opposite direction, coming close to pitching over into the ocean.

"Then Shinji, call me Rei! And hold my hand, it makes my girly parts feel tingly!" Locking hands, Kensuke and Toji made great strides toward Shinji, who hunched over the rail far enough to crush his liver into his ribcage.

Eventually, Kensuke's free hand wandered over to one of his compatriot prankster's nipples.

"Woah man, not cool! You don't get to touch this kind of stuff! Only the hottest of chicks get to touch this kind of stuff!" Pushing Kensuke away, Toji was himself shoved out of the way by a rampantly cackling Asuka. Spinning and weaving as she made her way to Shinji, the German girl doubled over in front of him, one hand on the railing to support herself.

"I don't know what's better," she began, face flushed with constant laughter, "the fact that this all actually happened and you didn't get any further than that, or that it _actually happened and you didn't get any further than that_." Wiping an imaginary tear from the corner of her eye, Asuka dug the imaginary knife in further. "But seriously, you haven't gotten any further?"

"I-wait, what?" Thrown off-balance by Asuka's words, Shinji was forced into dissembling embarrassment. "No. Why are you even asking?"

Taking Shinji by the collar, Asuka began to drag Shinji to what would be considered aft of the ship, entering into the shadow of the colossal shroud of cloth that took up most of the ship's length.

"Where are you taking me?" Shinji cried with no small amount of trepidation.

"I've seen the files, and if I've seen yours, it's only fair if you see mine." Asuka called back with a chirpy voice.

* * *

_..._

* * *

"Oh you meant your Eva unit. That makes everything a _lot_ better." Wiping some imaginary sweat from his brow, Shinji released the tension pent-up in his shoulders just as Asuka was climbing the ladder over Unit-02's shoulder. Legs apart, Asuka placed her hands on her hips, towering over Shinji as he remained on the side of the shallow pool the bio-mechanoid lay in.

"So, like what you see, _dummkopf_?" looking up to the girl, Shinji quickly began to look at the surroundings at eye level, finding them to be composed of red armour and beige fabric.

"It's very red. And big."

"Good to see you looked at my Eva, not my underwear. I'll still have to hit you at some point though."

"But I didn't do anything, and neither did Toji this time."

"Because you're a guy." Shinji lowered his head into his palm with a sigh as he lamented the feminine empowerment that comes with losing almost half of the global population. His lamentations were simultaneously interrupted and exacerbated when a small red blur struck him directly in the stomach. The missile did not have a great deal of force behind it, but the shock caused him to double over, allowing another to bounce off the back of his head. Rubbing the back of his head as he straightened up with a wince, more for show than anything, he saw that the two projectiles from hell had been the red shoes that had crushed Toji's hat less than an hour ago.

"Pick them up and bring them up here." As Shinji was bending down to pick up the shoes, she added "And don't look up!" as an afterthought. Seeing no simple way out of the situation that didn't involve a frankly ludicrous application of engine grease and a tanuki's left testicle, Shinji held the shoes as gingerly as possible and resigned himself to climbing the ladder one-handed. The moment he had acquired stable footing on Unit-02's armour-clad trapezius, Asuka rushed him from the side and clamped down on his hand with both of hers. Pulling him close to her, he felt the hem of her dress run over his knuckle as she whispered in his ear.

"I never did ask you, did you like what you saw? Out on the deck earlier?" Wildly disseminating, Shinji began to stutter out a response he hoped would imply ignorance in the face of impending wrath.

"I don't- I'm not sure how I should respond, I mea-"

"I'm talking about my legs, you fool." Her voice rose almost imperceptibly, but to Shinji, who's ear was wrapped non-consensually around the young German's talk-flaps, it was definitely noticeable, simply from the tightness of her grip. "And, well, everything else besides." She added as a coy afterthought.

"I think you've lost me." Turning his feigned ignorance up to eleven(it still baffles modern science as to why, at this point, Shinji didn't simply readjust the amount of ignorance at ten), Shinji tried to pull away from what he believed to be the least able to flirt of Hitler's reincarnations. His efforts proved futile, however, when Asuka tried to nibble away at his earlobe. She was gentle, he thought, but it was still unwanted attention.

"You're a man right? Besides, I heard how hot under the collar you and that Ayanami girl were getting, so you know what I want." Planting a small kiss on his cheek, she continued in a 'seductive' whisper. "So come on, do to me what you wanted to do to her." While Asuka forced his hand to run up her thigh, Shinji was trying to think of a reason why he should politely refuse both this girl and his genitals.

And so it was, during the most awkward moment of Shinji's young life so far, that something blew up.

"What the fuck?" Asuka cried, the shock wave rumbling Shinji out of her grip.

"Something blew up." Shinji nearly screamed out. Indeed, something _had_ blown up, and if Shinji was any good at guessing directions, the something was somewhere near the HMAS _Crikey!_ that Kensuke had pointed out earlier. Another blast soon followed, knocking Shinji from his perch on the red beast and down into the shallow pool it was floating in. The pool wasn't enough to halt his motion effectively, but it did provided an excuse to tear off a section of the huge cloth covering the Eva unit.

Wiping the remains of the purplish water from his eyes, Shinji saw what remained of two giant pink crucifixes where two ships should have been. Shinji was not aware of the theological implications of an enemy using cruciform explosions to wipe out mankind after losing a large portion of its population, but he was sure of its ramifications in the immediate future. Scrabbling to stand up, he saw Asuka had already reached the flat 'ground' the proper way and was waiting expectantly.

"It's an Angel."

"_WUNDERBAR!_" she cried, racing up to Shinji and pulling him back behind the draping sheets.

"Why?" Shinji questioned questioningly.

"I'm going to show of my new unit's combat capabilities, and you're coming with me."

"How?"

"Simple really." Asuka bent forward to consume his entire field of view with her blue eyes. A swing of her arm and his attention was distracted by her sudden ability to point at Unit-02.

"Get in the fucking robot Shinji."

* * *

Approximately 4,885 words in this chapter, 29,680 preceding that, 34,565 total, and I finally got to write those six most perfect words that every good Evangelion Fanfiction must have. A few notes though:

1. Why is 'panties' a word? 'Underwear' seems so neutral and generic but it actually describes the item, 'panties' is just like, what? It's suitably girly, but what is pant-ies? It's plural like pants is but what, seriously what?

/rant

2. That's essentially what happened after Ramiel's death: Rei wants to hold Shinji's hand, but due to her sexual neutrality(she knows, but doesn't care about it) moves Shinji's hand near her crotch. Then anime misunderstandings happen.

3. I'm not using -san and -kun in _this_ story because that just sounds weird in actual English, even though I try to think how it would be said in Japanese. Toji and Kensuke are being mocking so I left it in, but Shinji uses Asuka-san and Kaji is actually using Ikari-kun, but because he knows both Ikaris it make sense for him to call Shinji 'little'; I just didn't write them.

Live long and throw another shrimp on the barbie,

-ThatMairyGuy


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